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Carol Kirkwood, the Breakfast weather forecaster, warned of severe Gaels in the Western Isles this morning. So for those of you unfamilar with the concept I thought I'd explain a little about severe Gaels.
1 Usually they wear black and have homburg hats and white dog collars.
2 Sometimes they just wear suits and call themselves 'elders'. Some of these can be particularly severe during the Communion season.
3 They hold people hostage for two hours on a Sunday until they stump up some money and are allowed home for lunch.
4 They do not like, alcohol, Sunday ferries, dances, or gambling and they chain up the children's swings at weekends.
5 They can often be spotted with a rolled up copy of something called the Monthly Record.
6 They never attend wedding receptions as their wives are always ill at home that day.
7 There is no sign of climate change with them - it is unlikely they will ever warm to anything.
8 Severe Gaels drink a lot of tea and talk in small groups in the centre car park in Stornoway.
This should give the uninformed every chance of recognising and avoiding a severe Gael.
This was a public information message brought to you by Calumannabel

I went through to town from Ness yesterday for some haddock hooks, some six inch nails, a tin of sheep dip and some sun dried tomatoes. What a struggle getting into town and what a palaver finding a parking space. I had to park round the back of the sex shop in Francis Street, the only free space in the entire town, free presumably because everyone else is too embarrassed to be seen parking there. I went to this the most northerly branch of Heather Pie cos they were having a sale and got some very cheap long life batteries for the remote control on the TV at home. I also bought a pair of fur lined handcuffs so Donald can tie his bike outside the bochan without scratching the paintwork Once back on Bayhead there was a queue stretching almost to Woolworth's from the travel agents and another snaking off in the opposite direction finishing at the solicitors past the Heb. Apparently yesterday was the day when most people statistically book their holidays and/or file for divorce after the Christmas hostilities ( sorry holidays). I put and/or because some people spent the morning in both queues. One woman from Carloway filed for divorce at 10am and booked an 18-30 holiday in sunny Elgin a half hour later. Chrissie Mary has booked a week at Pontins Southport to coincide with the Wayne Fontana Tribute Tour and Donald is spending three days, for their part booked three weeks in The Maldives for all the staff on the strength of the projected profits. The head partner has to send out for hand cream at lunchtime for blisters he got rubbing his hands. Did any of the islands have activity on such a scale - I doubt it very much indeed?
Your man on the spot with the acid house green Tam O'Shanter and Arygll Wellies
Calum

It was last week that Donald got a call from the Jobcentre in Stonoway advising him of a vacancy in Edinburgh. He was told his benefit would be stopped if he didn't attend and they enclosed a bus/ferry ticket. The interview turned out to be at Easter Road at a company called Hibernian who were looking for a manager. Donald was chuffed as he's never before considered himself management material. He felt the interview went OK but was disgusted when the job went to a foreigner - some guy called Mitsu Popeyelionel or some such. So disgusted was he that he went to the Jobcentre in Edinburgh to complain and they told him there was a smaller but similar job if he was prepared to move to Newcastle.
He was interviewed yesterday by some guy in a black and white striped shirt and they got on like a house on fire. Donald chanced his arm and came up with some radical plans and this Ashley cove who was doing the interviewing interviewing thought Donald's approach to be very refreshing.
Donald pointed out that the Newcastle players seem petrified when playing at home so he suggested they play all their home games at the Ness FC Stadium as it will be renamed. This will be a huge shot in the arm for B and B's in Ness and stimulate pie and oxo sales at the shops in Cross and Swainbost. It also means that St james Park can be sold raising 拢100million which can be spent on new players, some new nets and a PA system for the Ness ground. It will be forbidden for these new nets to be used for trapping salmon on the Dell River. The upshot is that Mr Ashley and Donald have shaken hands on a five year deal. Donald is facing a press conference this afternoon and hopes to unveil Jeremy Godwin as his new coach and emporioalanjohn as new sponsors since Northern Rock doesn't fit Donald's new vision. Ian Gordon MacDonald a local Class 1 referee will preside over all the matches and the club bar will be renamed Shearer's with some photos of the Fank and some local shepherds gracing the walls for extra atmosphere. An acre of land will be purchased in Fivepenny to build a trophy room. So Newcastle United are on the move -Look out Lochs FC - Donald could be coming for for your best players during the transfer window.
Your man on the terraces with the bobble hat and Pukka Pie

At 9.30pm next Monday for those with Sky television, can I recommend/plead with you to watch a short film I made in late 2005? It is on Channel 195 Propeller Television as part of a Happy Mondays segment showing the best short films they have shown in the previous 12 months. It is a comedy called 'Six Tenners and a Soprano' starring Michael Hodgson 55 Degrees North and 2000 Acres of Skye and Libby Davison who was in The Bill for seven years and is in the Royal Today showing at present. The film won the British Society of Videographers' Prize for Best Short Film of 2006 and is now expanded into an eight one hour series starring Philip Middlemiss Coronation St and Where the Heart Is which is in preproduction.
Whilst on the subject of promoting products I am washing with Machair Flowers, a soap made by the Soaplady of Lewis and it is fantastic - better than anyhting on the supermarket shelves.
Have good weekend tout le monde