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16 October 2014

calumannabel


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emporioalanjohn saves Stornoway Woolworth's

As Woolies on the mainland struggles against administration, the future of the Stornoway store has been assured. The island's main retailer, emporio alanjohn has been burning the midnight paraffin at his Lionel HQ with his main advisers, Chrissie Mary Morrison (Miss) head of human resources and Donald head of anything else that needs a head. As Woolies in total was on offer for a pound, alanjohn has successfully bid an old farthing for the one store with the aim of backing it into an offshore trust based in Bernera - that little known tax haven (so much more convenient than the Caymans and no injections needed before travelling). The new store will be called BigAJ and alanjohn looks forward to taking the store back to where it was in the Fifties.
'I will bring my specialist knowledge of Hebridean retailing to this ailing giant,' the Lionel oligarch told reporters from Fios and in an online interview with Fetlar School he laid out his blueprint for the new store.
'Stornoway is a windy place so a good headscarf department is a firm start - getting rid of the record department. Wrapped sweeties make too much noise in church so the ranges will be confined to unwrapped sweets sold loosely. There will a fag and a match counter for the pupils of the Nicolson Institute - there is a surprisong health benefit in this according to alanjohn as nicotine suppresses appetites so, by smoking, pupils will not feel like eating chips. 'My grandmother smoked a clay pipe till she was 92 and she died of pneumonia from a broken hip' the head of BigAJ told a stunned Gazette reporter. Puncture outfits, fencing requisites and haddock hooks are three other areas in which he feels Woolies lost sight of their traditional markets. Paraffin and candles are two other departments the Ness entrepreneur has earmarked for development along with more attention to the needs of the pipe smoker who has long been abandoned in the rush for technological products. What cailleach or bodach wants an X box for goodness sake?' the Ness man quipped.
As he helped unload the first load of boat varnish into the empty back warehouse, an excited alanjohn said 'This is a new beginning for an old Stornoway institution - we are in a new age - we must find new ways of engaging with our customers - on this basis we shall be sponsoring the next Stornoway Communions and rebranding it as Wee and Free to give it a more modern feel. When presssed about Woolworths tie in with 91热爆 Worldwide alanjohn said, 'I am sorry to hear island blogging is coming to an end but as soon as you let poets and cat lovers loose on a website it's days are numbered.
There was too much of an emphasis on soap and homing cats and the site had lost touch with its main base - the guga killers, the sheep rustlers and the poachers of the island. I shall be sorry to see it go and I shant miss that stupid annual dating festival - I got stuck with a wife from the first one and can I get rid of her - can I hell?' On that note he stormed of to sack the staff on the make up counter.

Any other island plans to save their Woolies? Do other island have Woolies?
I know there's branch of MFI on the Shiant Islands.
Posted on calumannabel at 10:07

Comments

There's a branch of Woolies in Kirkwall. Muness Views, when domiciled in Orkney, used to fill his car up with Woolies Pick'n'Mix - especially the coconut mushrooms.

Soljey from Shetland Mainland


I would like it to be recorded here for posterity (and any other sad b*s) that I am not and never have been a cat lover. I'm big enough however to wish you well in saving your woollies...

Flying Cat from nearly time for beddy-baws


You see that's where Woolies has gone wrong - Coconut Mushrooms are a pale imitation of the original Coconut Daisies which each had a peanut in the middle. This was done by pushing the end of a bamboo cane into the confection to make a nest and dropping the peanut in. We'll be bringing the Coconut Daisy back

alanjohn from campaigh HQ Lionel


That's the sort of stuff to spin the global economy back on its upward spiral! I'll settle for 10,000 shares at 10 surstr枚mming fillets per share, deal closes at midnight tonight.

Barney from Swithiod bullish


It aall went sadly wrong when they introduced them sell by dates. Johnnie Creaggan thought nothing of blowing the dust of a "Christmas" cake at Easter - it was a fine example of rebranding. And what was really wrong with the bacon and paraffin being side by side. I could fair go a Creaggans biscuit or oatcake right now. "Creaggans" now sounds like a posh bistro in Port. "Drink Murray's Lemonade - and you'll never get better" Now there's an advertising slogan for you, Who remembers the Ness lemonade, Ness bakery and Guga flavoured donoughts??

Sellby Date from Well Past it


Calum. maybe the Free and Wee will have a sing along (following a sermon on the Demise of Island Blogging) at the IB wake, with singers warmed by some nice rum grog. I would not put the blame for ib disappearance on cat lovers, but a case could be made against poets, incomers from the south who insist on naming their cars, and Alaskan immigration. IBlogging will be gone without attempting a IBCalendar featuring alluring Chrissie (Miss) prominently. # Oh Barney, Citibank might just take you up on your offer of 10 sutstromming per share. I pet they would lap them up in Minnesota (gazillions Scandinavian descendants over there, so I understand).

mjc from IN, USA


Sounds like a plan to me! The Stornoway model could be the blueprint to reopen Woollies stores nationwide, perhaps under a new brand, eg "Tweedies" ?

John (x333xxx) from Achmore, Isle of Lewis


Hmmmm, what's the exchange rate for Sterling - Note? (or guga, when in season?). Is there room for the Gaelic version of Bureau de Change in the new store? Is Chrissie (Miss) free to appear on Dragons Den, or at least at reasonable cost?

robmac from Leicestershire




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