91热爆

The main shipping lanes where the Pentland Firth and the Atlantic meet appear to be occupied by a lone sailor in a green wheelie bin. The lamp on his helmet was spotted by several container ships during the night and his singing kept the crews awake. Interrogation via loud hailer confirmed this man is called Trevor and he has been sent packing to the dating festival by his wife on the instructions of a solicitor friend of hers from Bristol. Further satellite photos taken at first light show the wheelie bin at the foot of cliffs on the island of Sulisgeir and the lone sailor appears to be roasting some kind of bird over a crudely made spit. He seems to have plenty of wood with him. Shipping is asked to give him a wide berth as he may have scurvy. Two purple fibreglass paedophiles have been despatched from Port of Ness beach to bring him safely to land. Donald John and Roddie Campbell are pedalling them for all they are worth.
Further bulletins to follow
HM Coastguards
Butt and Ben of Lewis