Elspeth speaks...
Posted: Friday, 14 November 2008 |
6 comments |
Day fourteen of my captivity. I awaken and once again hunger, my constant companion in this brutal world, nags at my little belly. I still have not established the meaning of my being here... Hmmm... my slave is not in sight. Slacker! I suppose I shall have to summon her with my battle cry... "WAAAAAAAAAH!!" I need milk! "WAAAAAH!" I need milk NOW, lady!
"Oh! Poor baby. Is your nappy dirty? Here, let mummy have a look..."
Idiot! I said I need milk, not a nappy change!
"Here we go. Oh look! Today it's green..."
Excuse me! I don't need a graphic play-by-play of what I've left behind in my nappy, thank you kindly. What is it with these people?? Just get cracking with the diaper because I NEED MILK!! "WAAAAH!!"
"You're still crying? What's wrong, little baby? Do you have a diaper rash?"
Do I need to draw a picture or something? I'm saying it loud and clear: GIMME MILK! **Sigh** This woman claims to be my mother but I'm starting to have some serious doubts. She doesn't exactly strike me as bright enough to be a mum... "WAAAAAAAHHH!!"
"Maybe you're hungry?"
Ya think? Geez...
"Here, let's put you back in your basket while mummy mixes up some milk..."
Where has my slave gone? Why has she left me here to wait?? Does she not know that I rule the world? You delay my feeding? FOOL! Now you shall experience the full might of my wrath... "I SAID WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHH!!" Gimme milk already! "WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!"
"Here you go, Elspeth. Here's your milk."
About time! Were you waiting until I died of starvation or something? Sheesh! What does a baby have to do to get some prompt service in this joint?? **Sook Sook Sook**
Day sixteen of my captivity. I awaken and hunger wracks my little frame. So far the food is good and the clothes aren't bad but I still haven't determined exactly why I am here... Information has not been forthcoming.
"Mother" plies me with the Fake Boob and for the moment my hunger fades into nothing. As I sook, I plot...
For sixteen days I have engaged in various forms of torture in order to gain the submission of my slave. Thus far I have managed to employ the tactics of sleep and food deprivation. Bags are beginning to appear under my slave's eyes and I suspect that she has not brushed her hair for at least three days. Do I suspect that "Mother is sitting down and trying to rest?? "WAAAAH!"
Alas! My slave arrives! Now she sits at the foot of my prison cell...
"Hello, Elspeth! You look happy."
Are you nuts? My delight is merely a ploy as I lay here plotting global domination... WHAT IS THIS?! My slave sits before me dipping an entire sausage into a mustard jar! She has found some way to eat... Apparently I underestimated her military training. I will have to take this into deep consideration in the future...
"I normally don't eat with my hands but seeing as how you won't settle long enough for mummy to eat at the table I'll just eat my dinner here."
Look! She smiles at me! Does she gloat? Does she mock me? Heathen! Didn't your mother teach you to eat with a fork?? Gah! I cannot believe that my slave has managed to thwart my efforts! Wait... who is this coming through the door? My honorary grandmother! EGADS! She is pulling out the vaccum!
"Ah yes! That's a good idea, grandma. Last time you vaccumed the floors it knocked her out cold..."
NO!!! Not the VACCUM!! Must... resist... must resist... the... Vaccum Of Doom...
"I think I see her eyes closing!"
NO!!!! Must... resizzzzZZZZzzzzzzzZZZZzzzzzzz
"Heh heh heh - Triumph! A little bit of teamwork sure goes a long way with a newborn!"
(You will pay, "Mother". You will pay TONIGHT! The Newborn has not been overthrown! Your trimph will be short lived...)
Day Eighteen of my captivity. I awaken and hunger gnaws at my tiny belly. My slave is not in sight but I think I can hear her clattering about in the other room... I have asked repeatedly why I am here but thus far "Mother" and "Father" have refused to answer. Either that or they are too ignorant to understand plain Babyspeak...
I digress...
"WAAAAH!" My slave arrives and utilizes the Fake Boob. For the moment my hunger is satiated... However, I still have other tactics up my little sleeve... I wait until Mother attempts to sit down and then... "WAAAAAAH!"
"What's wrong, little Elspeth? Are you too hot?"
Last night I managed to keep Mother awake alllllll niiiiight lonnnnng. I observe the bags under her eyes... the haggared look... but what's this?! She still smiles?! Is this woman depraved or something??
"You're sooo cute, Elspeth! Here, I'll take off this blanket and see if you don't cool down a bit."
My slave leaves and now I am at peace to plot... WAITH a MINUTE?! What's going on here? My cradle has become hyper decorated with bright, colorful objects... and what is this thing beside me that makes heartbeat noises??
I see what is going on... (Must resist... must resist...) My slave has employed the use of these things to stimulate me and distract me from... Oooo! What a pretty quilt! (GAH! Must resist...) ... distract me from... OOOOO! A pink bunny doll! (NO!! Must resist...) OH WOW! What are those orange things hanging from the bonnet of my prison cell? (NOOOO!!! I'm falling for the ploy! I'm being dragged away from my plans for world domination...) YOWZA! That's one bright quilt and what are those colorful dangly things??
As my eyes grow heavy and sleep descends upon me I am forced to admit that I have seriously underestimated my slave...
Posted on Things Go Moo in the Night... at 12:39
Comments
Another epic novel in the making. The previous one has yet to be published. The current one, it appears, will be serialized on ib.
mjc from IN, USA
That is sooo funny. I've always rather believed that all babies are evil geniuses. LOL
limpet from stronsay
green poo ususally means too much foremilk and not enough hindmilk (presuming you're breastfeeding). Put the babe on the same tap two nursings in a row, and no more green poop. If, however, you're feeding her cow's milk or grape juice or anything with a red or purple color, I can't help ya.
p from alaska
Bring baby to bed with you, no more night fussing, no more "heartbeat machines," no more issues except a content baby and an unworried mother.
p from alaska
Elspeth is beautiful!
BC from Burlington ON
Isn't it just fantastic how quickly babies learn to manipulate their parents? Moo is amazing in her devotion to IB when you consider her a) recent emergence from childbed, b) new parenthood tasks c) visitor d) recent illness. Good for you, Moo!
Barney from Swithiod down memory lane
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So...I traded my quiet cabin in the Alaskan woods for the howling winds of Orkney and life on a farm. 
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