91热爆

EVERY TIME Erlend goes tae toon for one of his fancy "Orkney Agricultural Discussion Society" meetings I end up with coo emergencies six ways to Sunday!

Last time it was the wildest craziest heefer on the farm with her head stuck in a jammed yoke. She was in with the bull and if he decided it was time to breed...she'd be killed! After several attempts to free the heefer - with her attempting to kill me - I had to call my new cousin Marina and have her help me out. She's been married to a farmer a bit longer then me and is more of an experienced hand at these farm things!

Tonight I was upstairs watching TV with Brodgar purring in my lap. It was going on 11pm and so far...nothing. Not a peep from the byres.

Five minutes later the peace was shattered with a loud window-shattering, "BLLLRAAAAHHHHHHHHHHLLLLRRRRRRR!!"

I froze. Brodgar stared at the window in shock.

Oh no. Please no.

I muted the TV and we listened.

"BLLLRAAAAHHHHHHHHHHLLLLRRRRRRR!!" came the ungodly sound again. In case I had any doubts the windows rattled from another demonic "BLLLRAAAAHHHHHHHHHHLLLLRRRRRRR!!"

In the name of all that is sacred!! A blasted coo was gaan um in the byre!! Which means she'd calved and was now going absolutely insane and bashing the calf to bits.

I bolted downstairs and called Erlend. I could hear laughter and tinkling glasses in the background. "Oh" said my calm having-fun-at-the-pub husband taking his ease as I tried not to scream fom the latest howl from the byre. "Just go and check and see what's going on in there."

Ok let me get this straight. My husband, away in toon, wanted me to go all by my wee lonesome self into the pitch-black byre that was emitting such unholy demonic noises into the night?? WAS HE MAD??

I went outside and crept up to the byre with a torch held aloft in one shaky hand. I beamed the light down the ink-black passageway and was greeted with a sea of creepy glowing eyes and another chilling rendition of "BLLLRAAAAHHHHHHHHHHLLLLRRRRRRR!!"

"BLLLRAAAAHHHHHHHHHHLLLLRRRRRRR!!" "BLLLRAAAAHHHHHHHHHHLLLLRRRRRRR!!" "BLLLRAAAAHHHHHHHHHHLLLLRRRRRRR!!"

I never ran so fast in my life.

Breathless from absolute terror I called Erlend again. "I AM NOT GOING INTO THAT FLIPPIN' DARK ROARING BYRE!" I screeched into the phone. "My wedding vows did not include walking through the gates of Hell while you are out in town making merry!!!"

"BLLLRAAAAHHHHHHHHHHLLLLRRRRRRR!!" "BLLLRAAAAHHHHHHHHHHLLLLRRRRRRR!!" "BLLLRAAAAHHHHHHHHHHLLLLRRRRRRR!!"

I did the only thing I could do. I called Cousin Stevie. Every time Erlend goes out into toon I have to call Cousin Stevie. And every time it's something really big and annoying like stuck heefers, bad birthing or um coos.

"Stevie" I squeaked into the phone as another "BLLLRAAAAHHHHHHHHHHLLLLRRRRRRR!!" ripped through the night. "There's something awfully crazy going on in the byre and there is NO way I'm going in there to see what's up!!"

"Ah! Hello Michelle!" Came Stevie's usual cheerful voice. (How he can be this cheerful at 11pm with a terrified farmwife on the phone begging for his help is beyond me...) "I'll be right doon!"

Stevie arrived and I followed him into the byre. He marched in matter of factly and turned on the lights. Behold! Coo #70 was gaan absolutely um and was busy dushing her calf half to death - and another coo had calved as well right on the other side of the gate! Coo #70's mouth was wide open and her tounge flopped around as she roared wide-eyed and terrifying. I have never heard an animal make the noises that um cows make!! These cattle creatures are built like tanks and know how to fight!!

"BLLLRAAAAHHHHHHHHHHLLLLRRRRRRR!!" roared Coo #70 "BLLLRAAAAHHHHHHHHHHLLLLRRRRRRR!!"

Translation: "If you come any closer I will most certainly kill you."

"BLLLRAAAAHHHHHHHHHHLLLLRRRRRRR!!"

"If you think I am kidding about killing you then keep walking towards my pen."

"BLLLRAAAAHHHHHHHHHHLLLLRRRRRRR!!"

"That's it you morons! I'm coming over that gate and pounding you into oblivian!"

(This is when Stevie turned on me and said in a rather urgent voice, "NO YOU DON'T COME DOON HERE WI ME - JUST GIT AHINT THE DOOR NOO!" I didn't stick around to argue.)

It took Stevie a good ten minutes to fish her calf out of the pen with a crook and transfer it to the safety of a calving pen all while the coo tried to live up to her promise of murder. Meanwhile I hid behind the byre door and peeked through the crack to see the action. (I always err on the side of cowardice when it comes to the beasts!!) I was armed with a large stick though just in case Stevie got into trouble. I didn't completely abandon him!

Once the calf was in the private calving pen (one of several) Coo #70 was then let loose and she sped for the pen where she continued to roar at her calf and bash it with her head.

"BLLLRAAAAHHHHHHHHHHLLLLRRRRRRR!!" "BLLLRAAAAHHHHHHHHHHLLLLRRRRRRR!!" "BLLLRAAAAHHHHHHHHHHLLLLRRRRRRR!!"

My head was beginning to ache.

Erlend arrived home just when all of the hard work was done. Stevie and I gave him a good dose of ribbing and commanded him to never again dare to leave the farm and have a life. Then after Stevie left Erlend put iodine on the calves' navels and stuck Coo #70's calf inside of the "Um Box" so he could be safe.

We went into the tied byre and checked on Elsie-yow who is supposed to be lambing hours ago. She's nowhere near lambing. She's HUGE with lambs and absolutely fit to burst - but all she wants is MORE GRAIN NOW!!!! (She's learned how to beg!)

We are now going to take a one hour nap (it's midnight) and then get up again and check to see if #70 has "cleaned" - which means passed the afterbirth. (Erlend said that an um coo usually calms down when she cleans.) If the calf isn't able to sook we'll give him milk and then, maybe, we'll get to bed!

Well, here's what I have to say regarding this um coo business:

"BLLLRAAAAHHHHHHHHHHLLLLRRRRRRR!!"