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Been feeling pretty lost lately. Feeling like I'm not quite sure if I'm coming or going and feeling a bit stuck in a rut. For a while now we've been toying with the idea of moving to the mainland. A complete new beginning. Its beginning to seem a bit more real now and more likely like thats whats going to happen. Although I don't think my folks will be too impressed. Thats all thats held me back in the past. And to be honest the only doubt I have now. I know they will miss the kids but we always seem to be putting someone else before ourselves. I don't want to look back in ten or twenty years time and say 'I really wish we had grabbed the bull by the horns and moved when we still had the chance'.

The only thing is I really feel like I'll be letting my family down if we do move. By my family I mean my parents and siblings, not my family if you get me. I constantly feel like I need their approval and that if I go against them it will be the end of the world. Away from them I am confident and speak my mind but around them I feel like I have to do/say what they want me to say.

I sit and listen to them for hours about whatever may be bothering them or whatever, but I can't speak to them about any of my problems. Its no secret that I've been battling with depression but my family won't open their eyes to it. Or the fact that I have m.e. Yet if its anything to do with them its like deaths knocking at their door or something. I don't want pity or anything like that just a bit of support now and again when things get a bit rough. Like being able to ask them to watch the kids for a bit. Or turning a blind eye if there's a couple of dishes in the sink - instead of the constant critisim that there seems to be. Or just a shoulder to cry on now and again.

Don't get me wrong I love them all to bits but at the same time I fear them and their disapproval. Not that I'm doing anything wrong. Well I don't think I am anyway. All I do is be mum to the kids and wife to hubby. I cook and clean all the usual boring stuff. Not that I'd change it for the world! If everything isn't exactly as they want it to be or think it should be then its wrong - end of discussion. Like I have my way of bringing up the kids and that doesn't involve smacking. They know where the line is and they know the difference between right and wrong but I don't see the point in screaming and shouting at them if they are misbehaving - at times thats very difficult - but they're only kids - they can't be perfect all the time. And they act different when their round my folks - as if they sense the underlying tension. Some days the kids don't even get spoken to by them. Other days their let off with murder. I'm just at the end of my tether with it all.

I suppose moving is a way of showing them that I am my own person and I'm more than capable of being a good mum to my kids without their input. But the bigger part of me wants to do it for the kids. And for me. Hubby's got family on the mainland and thats home to him anyway so I don't think it would be much of an upheaval for him. I want to move but at the same time the idea scares me silly. Its not like it would be happening straight away it would be within the next five years, give us time to sort some stuff out.

I know I need to do whats best for my family but I don't know if I can handle the fallout that that will cause.

Where has all the good weather gone? Summer must be near! Although the kids are loving getting their wellies on and going out to splash in all the muddy puddles - oh to be a kid again at times!
Lifes been pretty quiet over the last few weeks. Kids have been chocked with the cold (again) so haven't really been able to do very much. We're all really excited though because we're getting a new kitchen table! The last one fell apart so eventually we found one we liked and that we could afford. So we sent for it last week and its on its way!! Wayhey!! Can't say enough how much we've all missed having a table to sit round and have our meals at together. And its always handy for sitting the kids at for drawing/painting/playdough, whatevers on the menu that day!
But thats about all the happenings here over the last while. Harris is Harris. Tourist season is well under way so back to road rage on single track roads :) Some people really need to realise what passing places are for.
One of the schools is having its last week this week as its closing due to lack of pupils. A wee school out on the Hushinish road - Sgoil Chliasmol. I think there were only going to be two there after the holidays. Its a lovely wee place but pretty much out of the way unless you have your own transport. Although I'm sure there would be regular buses, don't think I'd like to be all the way out there with no car. And its a horrible road. The further on it goes the worse it gets. You could easily get sea sick on it!!
Well just thought I'd pop in and say hello so thats about it I'm afraid...Does anyone know where King Gog of Gog has gone? He seems to have disappeared...