Fresh start?
Posted: Sunday, 01 June 2008 |
Comments
IL; you poor thing,in some ways i know how you feel. I got married in 1975 to a wonderful guy and lefty scotland end of May 1976 to come and live in the south of france-what a move-i couldn't speak french-i never learnt languages at school and the thought of leaving my beloved grandparent(who brought me up most of my life)was a nightmare. New country-can't communicate(hubby was french) six months pregnant with first child=hell! hubby confiscated my passport as everyday i packed my suitcase but i got into the wa
carol from over here
IL; you poor thing,in some ways i know how you feel. I got married in 1975 to a wonderful guy and lefty scotland end of May 1976 to come and live in the south of france-what a move-i couldn't speak french-i never learnt languages at school and the thought of leaving my beloved grandparent(who brought me up most of my life)was a nightmare. New country-can't communicate(hubby was french) six months pregnant with first child=hell! hubby confiscated my passport as everyday i packed my suitcase but i got into the way of things and within six months was speaking french fluently(stick two fingers up at teachers who said i was too stupid to learn a language) Iwhat i'm saying is if you really want to move,if husband has good job prospects ---move ----mainland scotland is not the other end of the world and if it doesn't work out at least you can say you tried. I've put my house up for sale over here and have finally decided (after saying yes then changing my mind about a dozen times)to go and live in new zealand-now that is a big step,but hell you only live once,so make the most of it---if you really are set on moving to the mainland don't wait three or four years go now or as soon as hubby can get a job-the longer you wait the more difficult it will be for you,the kids and your familyxxxx
carol from over here
IL, I really sympathise. Your reactions to your parents are hard-wired - by the time you realise, it's too late to change how you behave! It's best to break away in most cases, but don't cut off your nose to spite your face. Going to the mainland may be the answer though. And you could always come back later, no? Good luck anyway. Your own life and family are the most important things.
Jill from EK
IL, perhaps you know what I'm going to say ... :-) Almost as important as putting your feelings down here, is to tell them to your parents ... :-) Print this blog if necessary, and go against a lifetimes socialisation, and give it to them ... The best gift of all that you can give your parents <in this situation anyhow - not all situations>, is honesty ... and who knows ... You may find that afterwards, the situation begins to ease ... If not, you have virtually lost nothing anyhow ... I *did* take my own advice one time also ... I told my parents that I loved them ... It took an assertiveness course to do that ... Some things need saying ... Luckily it worked for me, and now it feels more natural when I express myself in this way to them ... Good luck anyhow ...
soaplady from a logical viewpoint ... <sorry>
Most parents are a pain in the neck. That's because they care about you. Now if they completely ignored you, that would be a cause for concern. I cant agree with Soaplady too strongly, except that you will never completely stop them from telling you how to do things. When you get old (like me) its too late to accept that your well-meaning advice might be wrong. And on leaving the island, if you want to do something drastic like that then do it now when there is still lots of time to realise that you have made a big mistake and go back. Dont spend the next 10 years trying to weigh up the pros and cons. Just bear in mind that the grass is definitely not greener on the other side of the Minch, and I know plenty of people who were desperate to leave the islands and, having left, were then equally desperate to go back. Tough one isnt it? Still, good luck in whatever you eventually choose to do.
Malkie from Glasgow
thanks for your comments. I wish it was that easy to talk to my parents believe me I have tried but if they don't want to listen they won't - and if you argue with them then you argue with all the siblings too. Its pretty tricky to say the least. As for moving to the mainland well thats home for hubby and there's better work prospects for both of us, so thats why the mainland is being contemplated. I just don't want my kids heads getting screwed up by them the way mine has. Even when I was hospitalised in my teens for depression when I had slashed my arms to ribbons - the reaction was 'well what can we do?' All I wanted was a hug. Its put down after put down and I honestly don't know if they realise how hurtful they can be and how clannish they are. Me and my brother can't do right for doing wrong. But anyway no doubt we will decide once and for all whats for the best and especially whats best for the kids....Carol from over here good luck in your move to NZ - how exciting :) and scary?! xx
IL from harris
Go for the move, IL, change works wonders - new opportunities, new challenges but change is the breath of fresh air we all need now and again. If you've got the urge, you have to respond. Your parents will survive and your relationship may well improve when they see that you manage your own life without needing their comments. Good luck!
Barney from Swithiod a rolling stone
I agree with Jill, its best to break away. And the best kind of parents are the ones who let you go without rancour or reproach. But I think I also agree with soaplady that you have to sit them down and talk to them and tell them how you feel. Easier said than done. No way are you 'letting them down' by making your own life choices! Its what grownups do.
Flying Cat from Free as a Bird
Hi Malkie, quite on the mark old grump. And do you give voice under windows at two in the morning, to the delight of tourists ("there's the real Glasgow for you!") ... or have you not gone native yet?
mjc from NM,USA
You can handle it. When you are in the midst of it you will do what you need to do (haven't you in the past?). You are way stronger than they know or you think. Read Feel the Fear and do it Anyway, good book.
Boston Girl from Boston, Massachusetts
IL.I have reviewed your postings for some time. talk to hubby about your need for an interuped nights sleep to keep your inerself together, he can escape to his job each day while the pressure does not lift from you. when the kids get to school age you will start to get some peace and be able to rebeging your association with the community/pnc etc. thats all the wisdom I can offer you.Regards
roy from Sofala.Oz
This is the 2nd try.IL. Ihave reviewed your postings for some time, talk to hubby about your need for an uninterupted nights sleep to keep your inerself together, he can escape to his job each day while the pressure does not lift from you. When the kids get to school age you will start to get some peace and be able to rebegin your association with the community/pnc etc. thats all the words of wisdom I can offer.Regards
roy from Sofala.Oz
feeling any better ,IL??
carol from worried about IL
Apart from physical violence, a parent can hardly do anything worse to a child than be constantly negative, its something which shapes your whole personality and needs lots of 'positive stroking' to reverse its insidious effects. I don't think parents know how much damage they do to their children by constantly putting them down, and far too many in modern management are heading the same way. A little praise and encouragement go a long long way when you're young. (and not-so)
Flying Cat from furryhugs from FC&Marmers
Do what YOU think is the best for You and YOUR kids. If you do leave the island, the Big City can be full of people, but it can still be very lonely. I agree with Malkie, that if you're gonna do it, just up sticks and do it as soon as you can, no time for pondering, then you'll know which life is best for you Island Life. Good luck with whatever you decide L.
Tws from The Other Croft
Do what you want, IL. Pay no attention to what anybody else thinks, this is your life. If you think you'll be happier on the mainland, go for it. Fall-out? Put up a brolly.
Arnish Lighthouse from Off Island
It's all been said before - do whatever you think is best. Good luck with whatever you decide.
Carol from IBHQ
Thank you everyone - I really mean that! Been feeling much better the last couple of days and much clearer. Taking strength from the fact I have such happy healthy kids and thats all that really matters! As for my parents I know they love me - they just don't always show it so well, and well if they don't like what we choose, thats their choice but my doors always open. Looking at my kids playing right now and laughing with each other just goes to show that I'm obviously doing something right!! And thank you Roy you really hit the nail on the head xx
IL from harris
Never forget that its your life and your family's life. Just do what you think is right at the time. Never burn all your bridges. Dont give anyone that oft longed for 'piece of good advice'. .....like what this is !!!! I changed my life and what a beautiful difference it made -- go for it. Whatever "it" really is.
CrofterBill from the Vatersay Bunker
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