It's astonishing how much ground one conversation can cover in a short time, isn't it? You start by describing where you are and how you are, and before you know it, you're knee deep in Frank Carter from Gallows sobbing onstage while he tattoos his brother on his mum, or something.
And this is a chat with Frankie Sandford, a former member of S Club 8 and now one fifth of the Saturdays. Who knows where we'd have ended up in another five minutes? Making a breadbin on the moon?
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So, it's a tricky time for the 'Nems. 'Music For The People', their attempt to outgrow their humble origins, hasn't met with blanket approval, even though their hardcore fans are growing harder and more core by the day.
They need to release something which will remind everyone else what they liked about them in the first place, namely that they write songs which fuse the street-level, youth-fixated social commentary of the Jam with the dynamic fire, power and all-round musical rage of the Jam.
And so here it is: Gutter romance, a swipe at the powers that be, the aspiration of better days to come, all for the bargain price of 50p! What could possibly go wrong?
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If I were Sir Alan Sugar, but still had to take time out of my busy business day to concoct a review for an amazing 91Èȱ¬ music blog - not sure which is the more unlikely scenario, to be honest, but let's press on - this would be a perfect moment for me to give a short lecture in the realities of business.
Essentially - don't worry, I won't try and do the voice - what you need to do is identify a gap in what we entrepreneurs like to call 'the market'. That means you need to be able to spot when people are just getting by without something, when in reality they would really rather not. No-one seems entirely satisfied with the way you open a tin of beans, for example, and this is why designers are always coming up with new tin-openers.
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Here's a brief summary of my relationship with the Backstreet Boys (cue epic learning music from the history channel): Age 11, I get a free VHS with Smash Hits which features 'Get Down'. I feel love for the first time. Age 12, me and my best friend find tickets in our Christmas crackers for a BSB concert. Age 12-and-a-half, I learn how to sing 'Quit Playing Games' in Spanish. Age 12-and-three-quarters, I see BSB in concert and swear that Nick Carter looked straight at me, even though it was at Wembley Arena and I was in the furthest corner possible. Age 13: I call my local radio station and am put live on air requesting 'I Want It That Way'. Age 14: ...and my obsession continues to grow...
And this, people, is why I am so unbelievably disappointed at their awful comeback effort. As in, I could actually cry. CRY!
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Cards on the table time: I'm not a La Roux fan. I don't especially like their songs, I don't like Elly Jackson's voice, and from what I've read of her in interviews, I'm not even overly enamoured of her as a person. However, I didn't ask to do this review just so I could rant at length on my issues with the whole project - quite the reverse, I wanted to see if I could put my personal taste to one side and judge the song on its own merits.
At least that was the plan, until I mentioned it to my friend (who quite likes La Roux), who stared at me blankly and said "but the new song's rubbish - even I don't like that one." Oh dear.
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Poor the Veronicas. All the international fame in the world did not stop them from feeling the sharp edge of Courtney Love's tongue (ask Russell Brand). Despite claims of admiration from them (yup, they admitted to Courtney love), there was some kind of spat on Twitter, possibly about stolen clothes or a stolen image or...something to do with stealing and getting dressed...and the end result was a typically long-winded, rambling, sweary rant from Courtney about how she hates pop music, and how the people who make it should feel ashamed next to her ability to play the guitar and write songs.
If you have ever seen Courtney's Twitter feed, you'll appreciate that this is a heavily edited version of what she actually said. For all that she can "shred", and "play a rock show", and "create a look", she clearly types with her elbows.
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True to form, it's just at the point at which I am mid-rant about all these new bands who go about calling themselves deliberately ornate, Victorian or Edwardian names, that a decent one comes along, demanding attention and setting the trend in stone. As Dennis The Menace would say, BAH!
Actually, to be fair, they're all pretty good. The Victorian English Gentleman's Club, the Duckworth & Lewis Method, Reverend James And His Powerful Elixir, the Pains Of Being Pure At Heart and the rest are all fine in their way, but slightly too keen to use their chosen title as a way of pretending to be part of a vision of the past as laid out in the film The League Of Extraordinary Gentlemen*.
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I don't know where you're from, you don't know where I'm from, but I do know that if anyone had even tried to sing a hit song like this about, say, Ipswich, or Cheltenham, they'd be laughed out of existence before they could even collect their commemorative key to the city. And that seems a shame.
I've no idea why this should be the case, New York, for all that is an exciting place to be, is just a place. Granted, it's a place where lots of exciting things have happened, and continue to happen, and it's a place where lots of exciting people live, but can you honestly say this isn't the case for where you live? Are you SURE it's not worth giving your local area the benefit of the doubt? Who knows what treasures you will uncover?
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So, you'll have all seen or heard the sad news, I expect. The last remaining original Sugababe, Keisha Buchanan, the Harry Patch of frosty popstrels, has decided to strike out on her own, and Eurovision/91Èȱ¬ Myths/Vicki Lutas's own Jade Ewen has been drafted in to replace her, even though she has her own record to promote.
(You can read all about Jade's record here, if you like. It's out this week. OR IS IT?)
It's always a unsettling when a much-loved pop institution changes or splits up. On the one hand, reality as we know it has changed, there is no longer a band called Sugababes which was formed from three, no sorry, two, oh wait, ONE girls from the same area who all met at a party when they were 13. That band is gone, never to reappear (unless Siobhan and Keisha have some pretty intense group counselling).
On the other hand, it's just another Sugababe leaving the band. Wait a couple of minutes, and Heidi will fall out. They're very much the wet paper potato sack of girlbands.
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Lots of songs have huge suspended synth chords flying high over a great big fat bass, but very few have quite so many of them, churning over and over, in a punishing, boiling disciplined mess like this. Lots of songs aspire to sound like film soundtracks, but very few try to be Rocky V - the one where he beats up an enormous Russian man-machine - AND Blade Runner at the same time.
Lots of songs try to make you dance, but very few do so because it would be AN AMAZING CARDIOVASCULAR WORKOUT and then offer a high five to anyone who can handle the pace.
This, however, is just such a song.
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So today was awesome and emotional not only was it a jam packed show with Taio Cruz live in the studio and interviews with Paloma Faith, Dom from Muse, Paramore and Taylor Swift but it was Fearne's last show...
It all got a bit teary in the end but she starts her brand new show tomorrow!
It's exciting times for me too as the all new Request Show and Chart Show start next week and the prep begins now.
Taio Cruz was in the studio earlier and his amazing "people" delivered a bag full of exotic juices that made for enjoyable refreshment!
Plus Taio revealed he only wears his socks once and gives them to charity. I can't imagine wanting to take a pair of his socks from Oxfam but I guess it's the thought that counts!
Relive every emotional moment on the Chart Show Podcast....
Or just Listen Again to everything!
It does seem like a slightly unfortunate title for the fourth track of VV's album campaign - after three singles and an album that, while picking up a bit of a cult following, didn't exactly have massive chart success, it does make you wonder if it's actually game over for her if this one isn't a hit.
By rights it should be - a hit, I mean, not game over. The problem is, I said the same thing about 'Crying Blood' and 'Leave!' as well, and the music-buying public in general didn't seem to agree. They were far too busy buying Noisettes records instead.
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Let's get things straight: without me, Jade Ewen would be nothing. NOTHING. Everyone thinks, oh, that Saturday night Eurovision show, oh, that Andrew Lloyd Webber, oh, that raw, incredible, undisputed talent she has - those are the things that have made her who she has today. Well, actually no. It was alllll me. You can thank me later.
You see, last year I helped make this thing for 91Èȱ¬ Switch called Myths (based on the ancient Greek myths, obv) and Jade Ewen was in it as one of the Goddesses. She actually had a singing audition for the part that the Saturdays eventually got, but she used her audition tape for her entry into the Eurovision thing...which she was then chosen for. Which she then went and won. Which meant she then represented us in the Eurovision Song Contest. So there you have it, good solid proof that I am the sole reason Jade Ewen is famous.
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Does anyone feel like doing a good deed? Anyone got something bad on their conscience that they want to balance out with a few selfless acts? Well, if you have, don't tell us what it is, we're not a confessional, but there is a way you can lift the heavy weight on your soul by doing something which will not only enrich your life, but help others into the bargain.
It's time to bring in a couple of still-mighty pop acts from the cold, and show them some love. Not because they're suddenly massively nowadays, not because [tastemaker x] says so, but because it's The Right Thing To Do.
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Ah perfect! Lady GaGa has just announced a US tour with Kanye West, and they've decided to call it 'Fame Kills', which is all the excuse I need to wade into the post-VMA Kanye/Taylor Swift aggrothon with my size 10s. Yes, it's entirely irrelevant to this song, yes it's late, yes it's childish and silly...but Oh My Good Lord, what fun!
Y'see, Kanye West is clearly the kind of person who is dissatisfied with certain aspects of the modern world, and now that he's all important and stuff, he has a platform from which he can express this dissatisfaction. Never mind who gets upset in the process, Kanye's opinion MUST BE HEARD.
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Hey, Oasis fans, I think I might've found a way to keep the band going. You interested? Excellent!
I have the perfect replacement for Noel. He's got the right haircut, carries himself in a suitably shamelessly arrogant fashion, and best of all, he can even write big anthemic crowd-pleasing tunes, which are naggingly familiar at first, then get stuck in your mind, and best of all, they'll probably sound great when everyone gets together to sing them in a stadium.
The only drawback is...it's Basshunter.
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No matter how eye-catching the video may be - and there are some people on the internet who are reacting like Elmer Fudd used to in the old cartoons, when Bugs Bunny dressed up as a girl - no matter how disco-tastic the song - and it is PLENTY disco-tastic - there's one tiny little problem with Shakira's latest which may threaten to ruin the whole thing. It's a bit like the Princess And The Pea, and I'm the princess.
The pea is this: If you're going to pretend that you're a werewolf, even a sexy werewolf in a leotard, with no body hair and no tail, it would be a good idea to spend some time getting the howl right. In a song about wolves, the howl is the key thing you can't mess up. You know it, I know it, and the people who made Being Human DEFINITELY know it.
Shakira's howl is so half-hearted it makes a hilltop lit by the full moon at midnight seem more like a dark back garden under a gibbous cloud.
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Oh my days, Taio Cruz has done it. He's actually gone and done it. With new single 'Break Your Heart', he has done the unthinkable. The unimaginable. The unbelievable. He has officially created the Most Arrogant Song of 2009, despite the HUGE competition.
Yep, this song is more arrogant than 'Boom Boom Pow', more arrogant than 'It's Not Fair', heck, it's even more arrogant than 'Get Sexy'. And with lyrics like "If you fall for me, I'm not easy to please. I'm gonna tear you apart" and "I'm only gonna break your heart", it's even more arrogant than Chipmunk's infamous "with a face like this how could I be camera shy".
And that's saying something.
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I know, from bitter experience, that it is REALLY easy to listen to new pop songs and just carp on about how similar they sound to other songs which have been around recently. And it's not very fair to do it either. The gene pool of pop ideas is startlingly small at times, so it's inevitable that songs are going to emerge with the similar DNA to other songs. That's sort of how genres are formed, and we're all reasonably happy about that, aren't we? I know I am.
This, however, is not a lovingly-crafted distillation of a few choice aspects of popular song, woven into a dense tapestry of sound and then placed into a hand-made display cabinet, which is buffed to a high sheen so the finger-marks don't show.
No, this is two songs being nailed together clumsily, and then thrown out in the rain, with a price tag hanging from one of the rusty spikes.
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I can't be the only person in the world who is slightly disappointed that this song isn't a jaunty '80 syn-disco rave up, in which Madge skips around in a big pink wig, like she used to in the olden days - only now of course she is slightly more leathery due to the inevitable passage of time and an impressive fitness regime - singing "holidation!" in order to match the title "celebration!", can I?
C'mon, it's a REALLY big world out there, SOMEONE must be on a similar page...no?
Fine then, let's talk about what it actually does sound like, if that's what you want... *huffs*
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It's practically the end of the summer...
I've been to a fair few festivals this year with 91Èȱ¬3...from Radio 1's Big Weekend to Glastonbury to T in the Park to Reading!
Here's some piccys documenting Summer '09!
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Suddenly things begin to make a bit more sense. When Paloma's last single 'Stone Cold Sober' came out, it was hard to see through the layers of let's-pretend-we're-Amy-Winehouse and what-would-Duffy-do? to the person beneath. She'd been in St Trinians, she did a bit of burlesque, and she was making theatrical '60s soul records with a hip hop production, while wearing a bewildering array of vintage clothing (and let's not forget the metal umbrella dress)...
But beyond all of these instant media-friendly points of interest, and various spelunking expeditions into the dressing-up box, who exactly IS Paloma Faith? Can you hear her in the music? And if not, does it matter?
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The Story So Far: Akon (with the help of David Guetta) releases a hit song in which he creates a scenario where his best chat-up line - the line he believes is the least disrespectful of all possible lines, remember - is "damn, you a sexy chick", only he doesn't say chick, he says a word I can't use here. Chick was only added so it could be played on the radio.
We mentioned it at the time, as a good example of funny lyrics as much as anything else, and then raised the idea that perhaps calling people offensive names isn't the nicest way of going about your business, even if you get away with it most of the time.
Now here's a song which hopes to exploit both sides of this debate - with the same word-switch. And again, the people leading the discussion are not the people you would normally expect to have, well, let's be frank, THE FIRST CLUE about gender politics.
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Aw, it feels like ages since I heard a song that so clearly wanted me to break stuff. No nice messages about love and kindness, no bragging, no sincere wishes that we all just try and have the best time we can, seeing as Monday morning is on the way. No, this is all about wilfully knocking tables over and not picking up the mess. It's about throwing all your stuff on the floor and jumping on it, to see what will happen. It's about tripping people over in public and laughing as they fall.*
Paramore, in short, are back, they've been working out, they've got louder, and they're already in a huff. Grab a plate and start chucking!
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The Sugababes were live on the show! They also smelt good just like Booty Luv.
They missed the top spot of the singles chart...but revealed that since Jay-Z is now technically their boss in the US they're not so upset.
Listen again to the show - they played us their brand new single "About A Girl" which is brought to you by Red One who produced Rhianna and Lady GaGa.
The girls revealed they're off to L.A. next week to shoot a video for the new single in the desert. The girls will be filming a Kill Bill style vid and will be doing their own stunts!
Listen on the move, with the 91Èȱ¬ Radio 1 Chart Show Podcast...
Booty Luv loved my booty and had fun playing the game...apparently Vernon Kaye has the peachiest bum...not offended.
The girls spoke about their new album and smelt amazing.
Cherice is about as tall as Tinchy Stryder and Nadia was late...but all in a fun little interview.
You can hear it on the 91Èȱ¬ Radio 1 Chart Show Podcast...
Booty Luv are in on the 91Èȱ¬ Radio 1 Chart Show later to see where "Say It" charts ...we'll be asking them to assess the assets of our Radio 1 Booty!
Here they are:
1. Monsieur Reggie Yates (above)
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Close your eyes. Imagine yourself in a world far, far away from here. A world where pick 'n' mix grows on trees, and the moon is a giant pickle. Imagine, in this world, you hear a noise. A beautiful, but dark noise. You walk towards where the sound is coming from to find Muse, jamming with Deborah Harry of Blondie, while David Tennant repeatedly rewinds and plays the intro to Doctor Who. Then you notice that 'Atlas' by Battles is blaring from the speakers, whilst the faint sound of 'Shoot The Runner' by Kasabian pumps out of a scratched mp3 player. Oh, and Sonic the Hedgehog's there, too. And they're all floating on spaceships. With sunglasses instead of eyes.
*Whispers* and there is no sun.
In the shell of a nut, this is what Muse's new single sounds like (minus the moonpickle).
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I've been playing air tambourine to this. Air TAMBOURINE though! For a while it was drums, cos the verses are sort of Mark Ronson-y and that's all about acting like you're one of Motown's house-band, and if you're gonna do that, is there anyone cooler than the drummer? Damn right.
But in the end, the sheer fizziness and upward thrust of the chorus called for something a bit more lively. Luckily it's very easy to switch from one to the other, and I always keep an air tambourine in my bag. I got into the habit after getting caught out listening to 'Love Machine' with only an air kazoo in my pocket. It wasn't the same, and I think the other people on the bus were getting pretty fed up with it, by the time I got off.
I've never been caught out like that since, and neither should you, not when there's songs like this, ready to strike when you least expect it.
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As much as I'm trying not to start a review by talking about my personal life AGAIN, I promise you this time it's actually relevant. Well, ish. I've just got back from a lovely holiday in which I spent an awful lot of time in my car, and while doing so spent a lot of time with the radio on.
Over the course of the week there were several songs I heard over and over again, and it left quite an impact on me - I fell utterly in love with Little Boots' 'Remedy' and invented a new game called "guess how long I can tolerate the new Mika single before switching stations in despair". But most importantly, it left me with this particular song locked indefinitely on my internal jukebox.
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Dear Mrs Lady GaGa,
My name is Wale and I am a rapper. I have just written a really good new song that I would like you to sing on. Let me tell you a little bit about it and then maybe you would like to help me out.
It starts with a bit of that "nah nah hey hey goodbye" song from the '60s. The one that Bananarama did a cover of. And then it's basically a really stripped-back beat - boomy bass drum and synth-claps - for your bits, and some twiddly synthesizers for the verses, and more samples of that song as a sort of chorus, so that no-one gets bored. The verses are my bits.
I am definitely going to do some brilliant rapping. I am a good rapper, so you do not need to worry about that side of things.I shall explain what my name is, and then talk about things which I have got, in comparison with things that other people have got. I'm going to come out of it looking pretty good, I can tell you.
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Leona Lewis will be joining us on the phone from Los Angeles on 91Èȱ¬ Radio 1's Chart Show to premiere her new track "Happy"!
It's ahead of her second album "Echo". She says: "I titled my album 'ECHO', since an echo describes a big, organic sound."
Hear it from 4pm on Sunday!
It would be so tempting to let this one slide. It's not like it's awful. You'd have to be a killjoy of epic proportions to take a bright and beautiful comedy butterfly of a song like this and stamp on it with heavy boots. You'd have to basically find the idea of having fun, of dancing about your bedroom in your pants like Mika does in the video, to be beneath you, because your mind is on higher things.
You'd have to want to pull the plug on every social event in which music is played so that people could dance about and raise a healthy sweat. You'd have to be a huffbag, a bitter lemon, a lollipop-stealer, a grinch, a sourpuss, a balloon-popper, a bunting-burner, a COWELL, in other words.
On the other hand...it is all a bit much, isn't it?
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U2 get their fair share of thoughtless flack, it's fair to say. Some people can't stick Bono's unique personality cocktail - one part social conscience, one part charisma, three parts ego - others have a problem with the hot air, of which so many of their songs seem to be pumped full. And there's a strong contingent that claims that they're a betrayal of the essential spirit of rock 'n' roll, and a sign that standards have slipped in the world since...y'know...THEN.
I tend to think there's a lot to love about the band, but that doesn't mean they're above criticism. After a decade mucking about with silly old pop music, they've spent three albums going back to their musical roots, and there are definite signs that they could possibly do with stretching out again, before they end up recycling themselves out of existence.
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