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if it's not going well, do the one about the old woman and the dodgy Loo and get off with a song...that should do it...anything else and you're on yer own mate...

We are much look forward to this in butcher鈥檚 shop. How audience is laugh when Nick Clogg is turn to ask advice on economy from Winch Cables 鈥� AND HE NOT THERE! Or when Cameron paraphrase Blair and say he feel the hidden hand of economy on his shoulder. And Brown is get too excited and big clunking fist is smash lectern.

Is audience allow snort disdainful, hurl fruit and vegetables, or even, if productive forces and historical necessities reach sufficient developed stage in course of programme, spontaneously rise up as violent insurrectionist vanguard of revolutionary repudiation of media age political infantilism? I am guess not.

I am mean hidden hand of market of course! Ha, silly me. Apologies to Adam Smith and his excellent book The Welsh of Nations.

I make mistakes because it is get clearer last few days that free market and economy once again mean same thing in mind of state shrinking Tories - and I am agreement with their plan. Our local school, finance by Big Oleg, local oligarch and protections boss, is have best scores in literature, math, science, armaments, operations of informal economy, offshore finance, and history of Amsterdam, of any school in region.

Cameron is well advise trumpet end of welfare and privatisation of state actions. He win debate and Oleg is send (more) representatives to UK.

Advice from the Image Consultants

Gordon Brown
Problem: Seen as dour, stuffy and uncomfortable with modernity
Solution: Wears a London 2012 Olympic tee shirt and mentions how great the logo is. Takes regular gulps from his Dragonfruit Hi Energy sports drink and uses the phrase 鈥渇reeze the balls of an Artic Monkey several times. Allows himself to fondle the lectern provocatively while he checks messages on his iPhone, he uses a camp hand down gesture when one of his opponents refers to him.

Dave Cameron
Problem: Seen a Toff with faux street cred despite his desire to hug a hoodie
Solution: Wears a dark three piece suit with a white shirt but no tie (Ray Winston style). Mentions bankers and spread betting but avoids using the rhyming slang alternative Bed Wetting. Reveals that his slag is up the duff but is busy establishing her own free school. As his time comes to an end he rips the lectern from its moorings and thrust it in the air champion style ensuring that the retouched veins on his forearm are visible.

Nick Clegg
Problem: Seen as light weight but sometimes tetchy with an exotic foreign wife and in the shadow of his mentor Vince
Solution: Having not shaved for two days he ambles up to the lectern with his jacket slung over his shoulder. For a moment the audience expects 鈥淪et em up Joe鈥� from old blue eyes but is not disappointed when he breaks into that old standard rate of income tax threshold extended to 拢10,000. Hi demeanour is care worn but strong, He gestures to a member of the audience, 鈥渢hat you George?鈥� he shouts and the camera picks out George (Cluney) who grins back.

The US election debates have been going on for about 60 years(?) and, judging by the endlessly repeated bits of black and white film, they've only produced three short memorable moments. The odds are heavily against anything interesting being said or done tonight.

Will it beat Have I Got News For You and Outnumbered in the ratings?
Probably not.

It'll probably be less informative than them both as well.

Lord Mandelson is going to tell you what the decider is so I wouldn't worry your little head about it at this stage, Michael.

I鈥檓 really quite enjoying the Leaders Debate and it鈥檚 a bit meatier than I expected (although not much). However, although I realise it was always going to happen to some degree I'm beginning to tire of Nick Clegg鈥檚 鈥渨hiter than white, holier than thou鈥� approach to both the other leaders.

Everyone agrees that Clegg had the best of it and if he continuous to do so in the next two debates this will encourage people to vote for the LibDems even when there is little chance of them winning a seat. Increasing their share of the vote will give them increased leverage in the hung parliament that we seem to be heading towards.

In the election after this one with PR established it is quite realistic for Clegg to tell his troops to 鈥済o back and prepare for government鈥�. The two party dominance is fading, the electorate is rejecting gladiatorial combat and yah boo politics in favour of a sober German style coalition.

Funny 'ha-ha' vs....?

Despite claims that last night鈥檚 leader鈥檚 debate was the first of its kind, more than a thousand years earlier a precursor had taken place at the Corfe Galleria in Wessex. It was one of the first political events to be shown live on the new iChronicler a device that enabled users to see the events unfold even as the ink was drying on the velum.

Hosted by J贸msv铆kinga Saga (founder of the present day company that bears his name) and sponsored by the Carl S鈥檅erg the Danish ale importer the event attracted
much interest.

First to speak was the incumbent Aethelred who spoke confidently about his record and how he had saved the world from the Penningar speculators. He claimed his record on health care had been excellent since the tragic demise of Gunhilde, sister of Sweyn Forkbeard, as death by natural causes had been all but eradicated.

It was at this point that he was interrupted by Edward the Martyr (his half brother and a serious contender for the leadership) who accused Aethelred of being unready to face the uncertain times ahead. This incensed Aethelred whose advisers had anticipated such an intervention and had laced Edward鈥檚 glass of Carl S鈥檅erg with a poisonous substance whose timely affect left Aethelred with only one debating partner.

Aelfthrith, Edward鈥檚 stepmother, was an ambitious politician. Trained as an Alchemist and the first female ealdorman, she grew up in East Anglia. Advised by the monks of Ely her formidable debating skills presented Aethelred with an unwelcome challenge to his authority.

It was the topic of immigration that drew proceedings to a head, Aelfthrith claimed that much of the pillaging was now performed by the Danish and that the indigenous population was suffering as a result. Enraged by this assertion and fearing the financial support that he received from his Scandinavian domiciled backers Aethelred ordered the debate to be at an end. Two days later Aelfthrith was found hanging from a nearby oak tree. It was assumed that she had taken her own life. This event has provided us with a phrase that is familiar to this day; the hung parliament

I am surprised that I got to this story before you did Michael!

Has no one else noticed the timing of the Icelandic volcano eruption so close to the General Election. Agents working for the evil villain Lord Mandelson dropped a small nuclear device into a vent in the volcano causing it to erupt and disguising any evidence of his handiwork.

With the clandestine help of psephologists and pollsters Mandelson had cunningly calculated the number of Conservative and LibDem voters unable to return in time for the Election would be sufficient to swing the vote in his favour.

To be on the safe side he is busy organising a Dunkirk style evacuation by the royal Navy but these are restricted to Labour voting holiday hotspots like Benidorm. Those visiting Florence and Venice (LibDems) and Sharm El Sheikh (Tories) are being told they will have to stay there until the cloud disperses on May 7.

Conspiracy theory? The truth is out there.