91Èȱ¬

Snippets from the week's news, sliced, diced and processed for your convenience.

1. The number of pounds in circulation doubles every 15 years due to economic growth and inflation.

2. Each slug eats twice its body weight a day.

3. Performers cannot even smoke herbal cigarettes on stage in Scotland, which has no dispensation for "artistic integrity" in its smoking ban, unlike other parts of the UK.

4. Voyagers 1 and 2, launched in 1977 and still beaming back data from billions of miles from the solar system's edge, run on generators that produce 300 watts - which would power several standard light bulbs.
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5. Chickens can be diagnosed with depression.

6. There are almost four times more knife-related killings as firearms killings.

7. You can be arrested for using someone's wi-fi network without permission.

8. One in 10 people claim to have had out-of-body experiences.

9. More than half the books on the fiction charts are crime titles - a genre predominately read and written by women.

10. Queen Victoria and Pope Leo XIII were among the celebrities to endorse charities.
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Seen 10 things? . Thanks to Steve Hillyard for this week's picture of 10 tasty treats on a barbeque).

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Fascinating though the are, it is nonsense to claim that "for the first time Britain was in a war where the civilian population was a target". During the First World War, bombing raids by German Zeppelins caused extensive casualties in many British cities.
MJ Simpson, Leicester, UK

Friday's Random Stat says that 39% of people surveyed thought cost was the most important consideration for having cosmetic surgery. With it being ideally suited to two-for-one deals , I would imagine value would be more important than cost.
Phil B-C, London

Random stat: 100% of the people in this office do not know what a "beta feature" means
Christina, Bath

The article on seems to argue that theft is OK as long as it's "hardly likely to be noticed". In that case, I'm off to steal a few grand from Bill Gates.
David, Epsom

Since the Monitor stubbornly refuses to bring back the Caption Comp and Punorama, I propose we start our own 'I bet you don't print this' competition. Will this do for starters?
Mike, London UK
Monitor note: No.

I don't know why you're bothering to publish this. I'll never write it.
Simon Ellis, Edinburgh
Monitor note: That's more like it.

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Today's random stat (a beta feature in the Monitor) comes from Which? magazine, which says that 39% of people surveyed said cost was the most important factor in considering whether to have cosmetic surgery.

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A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

Is it Paper Monitor's imagination or is the Independent - you know, cruelty, dolphins etc - on the Daily Mail diet for the summer?

Soon after its "MELTDOWN" front page that wasn't about the polar ice caps at all, but about the turmoil on the economic markets, there's more doom, gloom and apocalypse.

This time it's growing household debt that's the new enemy (note the Victorian morality tale) that's keeping the splash sub-editor busy.

Laudable though it is that the Indie continues to go it alone and resists leading with the more emotive story the rest of Fleet Street pores over, maybe its editorial staff should have first read to calm their panic-stricken, debt-inducing nerves.

And lingering a little longer with the Independent, a warning to Paper Monitor readers fed up with seeing Vladimir Putin's bare torso for the 871st time, accompanied by the oh-so-original line about how Russia is "flexing its muscles" in a new Cold War. Avoid page 23.

At least it makes a change from all the photogenic 16-year-old girls receiving their GCSE A* grades. Do boys get their results next week?

Meanwhile the Daily Mirror is busy further underlining its proud reputation by putting "EXCLUSIVE" on any story with a pulse.

Its "EXCLUSIVE" tag on an interview with Camelot's Dot Renshaw, who helps lottery millionaires adjust to fame, may come as a surprise to those who enjoyed the Observer's feature on Sunday and a similar interview in the Daily Express eight days ago.

But it's not all harmony at the Sun, where hymn sheet distribution seems to have gone awry. After months of stories about X-Factor, stoking anticipation ahead of the new series, the paper's television reviewer Ally Ross appears to be a little off-message while slating the first episode as "formula-driven as hell".

Seven pages on, the paper's showbiz columnist Victoria Newton devotes her plug - sorry, I mean lead story - to the show.

And the story? Fascinating as it is, Paper Monitor is not in the habit of stealing precious seconds from the busy lives of its readers. And so farewell.

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In Thursday's Daily Mini-Quiz, we asked how much Nepal charges for climbers to follow in Hillary's footsteps on Everest? The answer is $25,000, which 31% of you got right. Today's DMQ is on the .

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Re . I have seen many, many plays where there is onstage drinking, drug-taking, violence, sex, etc, but all of it is faked for obvious reasons. Yet this doesn't detract from the story if it is acted and directed well. Why then is faking smoking such a problem? One feels that it's probably those performers with the least talent complaining loudest...
Rob A, Cambridge

In it is a bit rich to ascribe historical thriller solely to Umberto Eco. For example Ellis Peters published two Cadfael books before Name of the Rose was published in the original Italian - and seven before it was translated to English.
Alasdair, London

Apparently "sometimes tries to scratch herself with her missing leg and falls over." Surely she would only fall over if she tried to scratch herself with the remaining leg?
Norbert, Scotland

"." Which motorway do those motorists see it from? Because whenever I'm on that stretch of the M6, I travel through the junction and it's barely visible at all when you're actually on it...
Paul Greggor, London, UK

Hello, anyone there? Anything happening with Caption comp / Punorama?
Andy, Sarnia, Ontario, Canada
Monitor replies: Your answers are Yes, and Not Yet.

Martin from Stevenage wrote yesterday about Hertfordshire University's student mag editor's jape with "you'll never publish this" letters. Is it safe to assume that editor has never followed the lead of many other student editors and made it big in comedy?
Mark Mitchell, Aberdeen

I don't know why I'm bothering to write this. You'll never publish it.
Stephanie, Yarm

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A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

When so much is going on in a news story, it's often easy to lose sight of what really matters. Take Britain's frosty relationship with Russia. With daily twists including murder, spy planes and expelled diplomats, it easy to forget the important questions we should be asking ourselves. Will it escalate? Who's to blame? Who's got the best boobs?

The Sun has the later covered. It's asking readers to decide who's the winner in the "cold phwoarr" with Russia. According to the paper it's a "war on two fronts" and the owner of the UK's two fronts is Page Three favourite Keeley. She says Russian President Vladimir Putin has a "ruddy cheek" sending spy planes our way. The owner of Russia's fronts is Kristina. She just thinks Putin is "great to look at". In Paper Monitor's humble opinion, the UK wins hands down when it comes to boobs and brains in that little contest.

If that head-to-head leaves you wanting to know more about the situation, a more serious double-paged analysis - albeit illustrated with cartoon-style images of nuclear bombs, fighter jets and troops - is buried on page 16 and 17 of the paper. Very Boys' Own.

Sex even makes it onto page three of the Times today. The whole page is devoted to the UK National Sexual Health survey and one finding in particular - that people over 60 actually have a sex life. Much of the debate is about whether the sex older people have is penetrative or just a sexually-orientated cuddle. Thankfully the Times illustrates the piece with a naked older couple having a sexually-orientated cuddle, rather than, well, you know...

The Sun runs the story as well - it's on page 35 and condensed into six paragraphs. The headline reads "romps galore for the over sexties" and it's written by David Mertens, who kindly put his age - 61. Do you think he's boasting or is simply open to invitations?

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Today's random stat, a beta feature in the Monitor, is 65% - the proportion of drivers in Yorkshire who hate driving. It's the highest proportion of drivers anywhere in the country, according to a survey of 2,200 drivers by MSN Cars.

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Yesterday, after Ryanair was rapped for saying it could get you from London to Brussels in 70 minutes, we asked what does travel to and from the airports add to the journey. It's 105 minutes - which 59% of you correctly answered - the Advertising Standards Authority upheld a complaint from Eurostar. Another 18% said 90 minutes and 23% said 95 minutes. Today's question is on the now.

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Oh please make your mind up. On 4 June 2007 T Rex is a '' with a top speed of 25 mph. On 21 August 2007 T Rex is 'faster than your average , with a top speed 18 mph. Can we please have a definitive speed comparison for T Rex. And soon. Say within the lifespan of your average pterodactyl.
Vicky, East London

I think I've spotted a conspiracy in your article on people the UK. 574,000 immigrated, 385,000 emigrated, leaving a net immigration of 189,000 people. Take that away from the overall increase of 349,000 and you get 160,000 extra people generated from within the UK. Yet you state that these figures 'suggest' 159,000 more births than deaths. So where are you 'suggesting' the other thousand came from? Is there a secret cloning facility somewhere?
Susannah, Derby

Is it right to say that Owen and Smith have earned their place in the side? What have they done to "earn" it apart from stay relatively injury free when so many other strikers higher up the pecking order have not?
DT, Somerset

In thug story, he initially says he was reading a magazine, then later mentions a 700-page Oscar Wilde biography. Was the great DJ hiding his erudition behind a copy of FHM?
Sheldon Price, Manchester

The number of people who add 'you'll never publish this' at the end of their missive may like to know the following story from my university days. The Hertfordshire University student mag (published monthly at the time) had its share of people writing odd and surreal letters, most of whom ended with, 'but you'll never publish this as you're controlled by the university' or similar. The editor finally had enough and, on the front page of the next issue wrote, "To all those who have said that 'you will never publish this as you are controlled by the university', I am about to prove you wrong. Please turn to page 3." When we turned to page 3 there, in big bold letters taking up the whole page, was one word....THIS.
Martin, Stevenage

This is a fabulous headline game, but can you put the answers at the end, or slightly lower down or something because it's hard to read the headline and make a guess without reading the answer.
Jonathan Brooks, Brighton

Why do you bother with letters about letters about stories about Pete Doherty? Nobody really cares that nobody really people that... er... oh, my brain hurts.
Ken, Bucks

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A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

Thanks to popular demand, here's the third instalment of the headline game. Can you guess the newspaper using the headline and the subtle clue?

Drinks threat to Harry’s polo club (Clue - which newspaper has a clientele who might play polo? Or someone who does? Or even just know the rules?... It's the Daily Telegraph of course.)

Tories advised Asian woman not to stand against a fellow Muslim (Clue - some newspapers feel obliged to underpin their silly season offerings with Ye Olde Westminster Story... the Times has to show its true colours)

HAS INGRID COPPED OFF? (Clue - it's a piece of tittle-tattle about the private life of the estranged wife of someone vaguely famous... it's the Sun.)

Hopes for renminbi float buoyed by liquidity move (Clue - it's the kind of headline that makes you feel like you're back at school being shouted at in Business Studies class... so it must be the Financial Times.)

Why fatties say everyone’s to blame but themselves (Clue - health coverage with a strangely aggressive note... the Daily Mail does it again.)

As a reformed addict, I can now see the full menace of a BlackBerry habit (Clue - a newspaper indulgent enough to let a columnist write about a phenomenon it first identified on 25 January 2001... it's the Guardian.)

Benefits of third runway at Heathrow ‘are exaggerated’ (Clue - serious, worthy and important... it has to be the Independent.)

Castrate the child perverts (Clue - it's a headline to a story, not an opinion column... it's the tough-on-crime Daily Mirror.)

Benefits bill for EU migrants trebles (Clue - only one paper is obliged to feature asylum seekers, Diana, the weather and house prices every week... naturally, it's the Daily Express.)

Doherty's cat is hooked on crack (Clue - there can be only one candidate... the indomitable Daily Star.)

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In Tuesday's Daily Mini-Quiz, we asked which English phrase had not made it into China's national language registry. The answer was 3Q, meaning thank-you. Only 30% of you got it right. Today's DMQ is on the .

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It’s all well and good deciding () to "attack with unmitigated ferocity" but how many people who make such a decision would have the first clue what to actually do? Jeremy’s suggestion that he would hit the thug with a book implies that he, for one, certainly wouldn't.
Keith, Loughborough

Regarding Noel of Norfolk in his response to Jeremy Vine's of 20 August. Each one of us should have the right to be comfortable and at ease on any form of public transport and not be pestered verbally or otherwise by other users. It is not rude to ignore unwarranted attempts to engage in conversation. It is inappropriate, impolite and indecent of anyone to force any form of attention, especially if not encouraged upon another.
Verrol Crichton, Watford, Herts

Paper Monitor (pot) is a little harsh on the Daily Mail (kettle) for using the Jeremy Vine story. No mention was made on the 91Èȱ¬ site about the original article appearing in the Telegraph six months ago.
David, Aussie in Surrey

Why do you bother with letters about stories about Pete Doherty? Nobody really cares that people no longer care what he's been arrested for.
Ian, Winchester

Would someone like to look up the word 'near' in the dictionary? - according to the article the object is 250 to 1,000 light-years away...
Russell Jacques, Liverpool

A great example of how a headline can start really well, but lose my interest by the end:
Robin, Glasgow (formerly Edinburgh)

Re Tuesday Letters: Would Nigel Molesworth of St Custards (an obvious Sue Denim as any fule no) care to join me in my campaign to banish the insidious "we" from ALL 91Èȱ¬ output. I'm heartily fed up with phrases like "What do we know about this incident" or "10 things we didn't know last week" which seem to imply that the 91Èȱ¬'s collective body of knowledge must, of necessity, mirror that of its listeners. If it's merely a "turn of phrase" then it's a poor one and unworthy of the expected journalistic standards of the corporation.
Paul Clare,

Re Nigel Molesworth's letter, in fairness the item is titled "things WE didn't know last week", so presumably the "we" refers only to the MM staff and not us educated readers.
Rich, Titchfield, UK

I've had an epiphany. Someone out there must know who MM and PM are/is (smug wife, husband, lover). I suggest we all rally together and offer a reward for evidence. The truth is within sight. But this will never get published anyway, so I should really forget about it...
Lola, Chesterfield

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A daily service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

It's time for another round of Paper Monitor's favourite game - personality profiling by headline (ie can you guess the paper just from the headline?).

MADELEINE: ALL POLICE LEAVE IS CANCELLED (Clue - it's about Madeleine McCann, it's on the front page, and it's an angle which goes unfollowed-up by the rest of Fleet Street... naturally it's the Daily Express.)

£40m waste of the 'Mickey Mouse' degrees (Clue - there's wasted taxpayers' money, a few jokes at the expense of trendy subjects like 'Martial Arts and Adventure Tourism'... it's our old friends the Daily Mail.)

How film fans fell in love with subtitles (Clue - it's about highbrow art-house films, a specialised and - dare one say it - not popular choice... yes it's the Indy)

More bank holidays and time off for dad is Tory idea (Clue - good news if you're a man, with a job and a family - and good press for the Conservative party. Unavoidably the Daily Telegraph.)

Ref who missed 'dive' paved Red Rom's drive (Clue - Paper Monitor doesn't have much idea what this story is about, but thinks it's something to do with football. But the combination of shorthand nomenclature, puns and unlikely angles means it's got to be the Sun.)

Everyone Loves a Loser (It's the Daily Express, though it might be a display of wishful thinking)

Incidentally a welcome should go to the Daily Mail which faithfully reprints the Jeremy Vine piece from Broadcasting House which featured in the Magazine .

One final note. A letter to today's Times reads: "Sir: Did not Mark Twain say that a banker is someone 'who will hire you an umbrella when it is fine, but wants it back when it is raining'?"

And who is it who has started speaking like Chris Eubank trying to spark up conversation with Stephen Fry? None other than Brian Harvey. Remarkable. How times change. (The possibility that the Times correspondent, Brian Harvey of Bristol, might not actually be the same Brian Harvey as Brian Harvey, E17, is one that Paper Monitor is not prepared to consider.)

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In Monday's Daily Mini-Quiz, we asked which of the following was on the receiving end of an over-zealous traffic warden, according to a book about unlikely parking tickets - a horse, skateboard or both? The answer was a horse, but only 26% of you were correct. Today's DMQ is on the .

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Regarding Jeremy Vine's piece. I think people are more likely to and help if they feel they are in the majority. why do we need this sign of approval, when everyone knows the thugs actions are wrong. We all need to take a stand, and backup others who are brave enough to to challenge a thug. The more we let bad behaviour go the more it becomes the norm and so escalates.
Adam, Seaview

So a pounds of debt doesn't matter? Tell that to my bank (or, failing to reach them, their call centre).
Ed, Clacton, Clacton, UK

"It may not be everyone's cup of tea". As a statement about a type of I would have thought that it would have been no-one's.
Rebecca, London

In your : Winning Friends article, the writer comments "I know it's accurate, because I do it." Given that I disagree with almost every part of that article, am I allowed to use that argument too, or is that just a tad too schoolyard for the Beeb's tastes?
Steven, Glasgow

Why do you bother with stories about ? Nobody really cares what he's been arrested for this time.
Michael Morton, Leeds

Not that I care much for but in the article about Microsoft cutting the prices in Europe it then says "So far Microsoft has not confirmed how prices will change in the UK market." Its been a while since i did Geography but are we not still part of Europe?
Nikki, Hertford

According to MM, this time last week we didn't know that "left-handed people are called sinistral". I'm sorry: I did know that and I suspect many other readers did too. It's not our fault if MM didn't do Latin at school...
Nigel Molesworth, St Custards

Regarding headline, it seems the 91Èȱ¬ is aiming at the younger generation again: Plane at Japanese airport - I would be equally disapointed if I had gone up in flames as well.
Russell Jacques, Liverpool

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A service highlight the riches of the daily press.

The Daily Mail is quaking in its boots today. The Guardian reveals the chilling news that the venerable chronicle of all things Middle England is to be given the Super Size Me treatment for a programme on user-generated channel Current TV.

"London media liberal" Nick Angel is going on a 28-day news diet of nothing but the Daily Mail. Morgan Spurlock suffered liver problems, nausea, heart palpitations, depression and lethargy from his non-stop eating of Big Macs, but what will Mr Angel have to deal with? Paper Monitor can't wait.

Although in Media Guardian there is also a paean of sorts from a journalism professor who compares the Mail favourably with its Diana-obsessed, understaffed sibling, the Daily Express. Where does he get such ideas?

And the Express pulls off a Monday classic today, merging the obligatory Diana item with its perennial antipathy towards asylum seekers, with the news that the late princess's fund is giving money to support refugees' rights.

In the Daily Mirror and the Sun, there is shock and there is outrage.

On the front of the Mirror, the screamer headline is "TOO SCARED TO LEAVE OUR HOMES" beneath the legend "MIRROR POLL SHOCKER". It reveals that 50% of us feel less safe than 10 years ago. Sadly it finds no space to mention that the British Crime Survey suggests that violent crime has fallen 31% over the same period.

The Sun goes one better with "ANARCHY IN THE UK" under the banner "A NATION UNDER SIEGE" and garnished with the subheads "Yobs rule streets" and "Knife crime soars".

Much more of this and Paper Monitor might try the Daily Mail diet too.

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In Friday's Daily Mini-Quiz, we asked which city apart from Paris had two entries in the top 10 of most disappointing visitor attractions. The answer was New York, for Times Square and the Statue of Liberty. More than 50% of you were correct. Today's DMQ is on the .

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