91Èȱ¬

The messageboards were awash with suggestions that panto season had come early but (with apologies to Morrissey) - every day is like fun-day at Loftus Road. Meanwhile TromRs on the forum observed: "If you put QPR's recent history into an episode of Footballer's Wives, the critics would jump on it for being too unrealistic."
QPR manager Jim Magilton
Let's look at the evidence: in the boardroom, the , joint-owner involved in instructing one of his racing drivers to crash their car and more bosses than a series of The Sopranos. Yep, Trom might have a point. Oh, and there's the small matter of becoming the first league team ever to be knocked out of the FA Cup by a car plant, when came-a-calling a few years back.

Now the wheels have come off again and I'm sat at my desk waiting for the next colleague to come up and ask with a smirk: "What is going on at that club of yours?"

I wrote a piece when Jim Magilton was appointed manager in June predicting that he would be out by Christmas, although given the track record of Flavio Briatore, it didn't require foresight of Mystic Meg proportions. That said, I never saw this coming - and neither did Akos Buzsaky if you believe the accounts in some national newspapers.

Bizarrely, a few days earlier there were reports of a similar dressing room spat at Stoke involving . I don't know, you wait all year for a manager-allegedly-has-ruck-with-player story and then two come along at once.

Beattie was snapped this week , surrounded by a bunch of schoolboys. It's not clear where he was ferrying them to, but they looked about the same age as some of the team Arsenal took to Olympiakos in the Champions League. One of the youngsters on show in Athens was a teenager called , who was predictably dubbed 'Top Gunner', before being brought back down to earth by the Greeks.

Meanwhile the 'real' Tom Cruise was spotted at the Sevilla-Rangers game, where he witnessed Walter Smith's side complete their own Mission Impossible by officially becoming the worst-ever British team in the Champions League.

Compared to Cruise-the-younger (still with me?) Gunners team-mate Theo James Walcott is positively ancient and he's using all his worldly-wise experience to .

The stories centre around a kid called TJ who realises his dream of becoming a footballer. Ring any bells yet? The 20-year-old said: "Books played an important part in our family life as I was growing up" - I wonder how many Premier League footballers can say that?

Possibly not Wayne Rooney, although the stories would be perfect to read to his little boy - providing dad can stay awake long enough. The Rooneys have admirably decided to bring up young Kai without the aid of a nanny and the sleepless nights are beginning to take their toll on the Manchester United striker, who missed the after nodding off.

"I lay down on my bed to watch it and fell asleep," he admitted - although when he woke up and heard England's opponents, he must have thought it was Christmas.

The Sun greeted the news with a classic headline:

England
Algeria
Slovenia
Yankees

And you'd be hard-pressed to find anyone that disagreed.

A couple of days later a story surfaced claiming England's players were to be given to cope with the altitude in South Africa. The claim was firmly denied by the FA but it still gave the red top hacks open season to pepper their copy with enough double entendres to finish off Viz favourite (fnarr fnarr).

Prior to the World Cup draw, the papers were desperately scratching around for news - and once again it was the Currant Bun who excelled themselves with their World Exclusive splash on the type of ball that would be used in South Africa - described as the by the makers.

Since then the tabloids have been filled with tales about how those dastardly Germans are already in the Bundesliga, while England will have to wait until the summer. It's like sun all over again. Argentina and the USA are also said to be getting acquainted with the ball early doors, while some wag observed that Thierry Henry can't wait to get his hands on it.

The manufacturers also bigged up the 'grip and groove' feature, which might sound like a pair of Velcro dancing shoes but is in fact the provider of "an exceptionally stable flight and perfect grip under all conditions".

How Harrow Borough's Rocky Baptiste must have wished he'd had one of those following the â„¢ against Waltham Abbey. When he was interviewed later, Baptiste joked that he'd been aiming for the linesman who had earlier flagged him for offside, but it's fair to say the next time he walks through a field of cows carrying a banjo, the bovine beasts will afford themselves a little smirk.
Didier Drogba in the dreaded shirt
Staying in west London and the shirt hit the fan as Chelsea suffered two defeats on the bounce - to Blackburn and Man City - while wearing their hooped away tops. Stattos pointed out that- and Carlo Ancelotti might literally have to tear a few strips off the players if it happens again.

Meanwhile City were hit by the dreaded swine flu, which sidelined Craig Bellamy and Vladamir Weiss. Please tell me the Slovakian's nickname is 'Miami'.

Response of the week came from Liverpool striker Fernando Torres during an. Asked if he had picked up any Scouse words yet, the Spaniard replied: "Deffo!"

And finally, the story of the week was the news that . 'Royal insiders' claimed the heir to the throne said he was "over the moon" when the Clarets beat Man Utd and "sick as a parrot" when they lost to Portsmouth. Yep, I bet that's exactly what he said.

OTHER STUFF