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"This situation is my fault, and it's obviously embarrassing to my family and me. I'm human and I'm not perfect."
If Tiger Woods isn't perfect, what hope for the rest of us?

"I probably would have to apologise to her and hope she uses a driver next time rather than a three-iron, I would say."
Jesper Parnevik, who introduced Woods to his wife Elin Nordregen, reacts to press speculation surrounding the circumstances of the player's accident.
United's golden oldies
"He's an exceptional player. A rarity. He will play for two years yet. Happy birthday. He's had it 36 times in his life, wait until he gets to 67. I think he'll be retired by then."
Sir Alex Ferguson on the evergreen Ryan Giggs.

"Everybody knows what happens when you go over to Europe and that's why I
would never go over there."
Bernard Hopkins gets his continents confused while reflecting on Roy Jones' defeat to Danny Green - in Australia.

"We'll have a board of directors and we'll have board meetings - and we'll do what I want."
Barry Hearn goes all Brian Clough after becoming chairman of snooker's WPBSA.

"Any more matches like that and it will be me having heart surgery next!"
Blackburn number two Neil McDonald after steering his side to victory over Chelsea in the Carling Cup while Sam Allardyce recovered from heart surgery.

"Bobby Moore was a national hero...they are all legends and that's what we would emulate. If we did...well, the West Ham fans might even forgive me everything! Maybe they'd claim me back as one of their own."
Lampard on the possibility of a Hammers love-in if England win the World Cup. Dream on, son.

"I met Fabio (Capello) in the hotel when we arrived and we sat down and had a beer together. We would like to meet again, just before we play the final on July 11."
Italy coach Marcello Lippi puts his soothsayer's hat on ahead of the World Cup draw.

"This guy is a good guy, let me tell you."
Sepp Blatter gushes over David Beckham.

"Sepp Blatter knows more about football than anyone I have ever met."
And Becks is happy to reciprocate.
How will we cope without them?
"I've a mate who for the past three years has taken his pals to the USA for a golf tournament against American pals. They have had a great time - the golf was great and the lads got on well. They took the wives this year and it was a disaster. All the wives had an argument and I think it's been cancelled for next year."
Harry Redknapp on why he's glad the WAGs won't be out in force at the World Cup.

"I told him he's lucky the Christmas DVDs are out already!"
Doncaster midfielder John Oster after opponent Neil Danns missed a sitter for Crystal Palace.

"They played some good football and we matched them for around 90 minutes, but it was a 10-minute spell that killed us."
Steve Tilson after Southend's 3-0 defeat to Norwich. How long was this game, Steve?!
(Harold Harrison, UK).

"The Premier League can be fickle. You can lose a few games and rocket down the table, and at the same time you can win a few and rocket up the table. We're delighted to be in the former category."
Alex McLeish, commenting after Birmingham beat Wigan.
(Libby Curran, USA).

"Some people say that Peter Crouch only performs against the small teams. But to be fair, all the teams look small to him.
Commentary during the Man Utd-Spurs Carling Cup tie.
(Libby Curran, USA).

"I'm not sure if they're rugby fans, but I am, that's why I took them. They didn't have a choice!!"
Roy Keane after taking his Ipswich team to the Wales-Australia game.
(bow4fowler).

"I don't care if he's rubbish or not, he's going to get a contract because having someone playing for us with Leonardo on his back would be brilliant."
Caretaker boss Les Parry confirms that young Brazilian midfielder Leonardo can expect an easy trial at Tranmere.
(Dan Brown, Wirral).

"Meanwhile, £200m people across the globe are expected to watch Friday's World Cup draw."
From Friday's Gossip page. I knew everyone has a price but this is too much, eh?
(Abhay, India - and just about everybody else).

"This is not a must-win game for Portsmouth, it's a game they must win."
5 live Commentator during the build up to Portsmouth v Burnley (isn't that a must win game, then?)
(Jack Collier, Nottingham).

"A typical December afternoon - cold, wet and if you're Gary Megson...miserable."
MOTD commentary on Wolves v Bolton.
(David, England).

"The Top four are the top four and have always been the top four."
Peter Crouch on ESPN before the Villa-Spurs game.
(HornetRobin).

"That's an arrow from Fletcher!"
Alan Smith after Darren Fletcher scored for United against Portsmouth. Arrow... Fletcher, geddit? Took me a while as well.
(Oops, managed to delete your name by mistake - sorry).

"His work-rate never wanes".
Mike Phelan on Wayne Rooney, MSN Sport.
(Tont, UK).
Hughes and Wenger - best of enemies
"It's a ceremonial courtesy but the most important is not the ceremonial but the courtesy of behaviour."
Arsene Wenger on his refusal to shake hands with Mark Hughes after the Gunners' Carling Cup defeat.
(Tommy, Namibia).

"The ref held his hands up and admitted his error. He quickly changed his decision ... but Chris was well off the park by then. It was freezing out there so I don't blame him."
St Mirren goalkeeper Paul Gallagher reveals why team-mate Chris Innes was so willing to accept being wrongly sent off.
(Dan Brown, Wirral).

"Arsene Wenger needs to buy new players - and expensive ones too. Why? Because all the talented and inexpensive players are already with us at Arsenal."
Andrey Arshavin on the need to splash the cash.
(Rich, England).

"He looks like a caveman, doesn't he?" (no response from co-commentator). "I meant that as a compliment, of course..."
Comments during Sky Sports coverage of El Clasico in reference to Carlos Puyol...how exactly is that a compliment?
(DJ, UK).

"...and Heskey, after warming up, seems to have gone down the tunnel"
"Yeah, he's just heard the pies are half-price."
Superb commentary from the 5 live team at Villa v Spurs.
(Lewis, England).

"Well we've got a bit of Magners and a bit of Heineken and then it will be February"
Brian O'Discroll after Ireland beat South Africa. The Irish certainly know how to celebrate!
(RFD, UK).

"Well it's obvious the Kettering defenders aren't as much on the Atkins diet as the Ron Atkinson diet."
Commentators on ITV for the Kettering-Leeds FA Cup replay.
(tbowyer)

CHANTS OF THE WEEK

Is Scharner looking for a move to Barnet?
"Your Mum is a badger!"
Spurs fans to Wigan's Paul Scharner, with reference to his half-blond, half-black hair. (spursfandan). A little late - but well worth including! Ed

Barnet fans: "1-0 to the Barnet boys!"
Bournemouth fans: "1-0 to the referee!"
Barnet fans: "Referee, referee referee...sign him up, sign him up, sign him up!!"
(Jake, England).

"Say hello to Oxford!"
Swindon fans ask Wrexham to pass on their regards to their old rivals in the Blue Square Premier.
(Mike, Stockport, England).

"You only sing when you're drawing".
Kettering fans to Leeds after the League One leaders equalised in the FA Cup replay.
(saintjammyswine)

"There's only one Gordon Ramsay."
Oldham fans to Delia Smith and the Norwich fans.
(Mark, UK).

"England's number one"
Barnet fans to Jake Cole after he saved Brett Pitman's penalty in the draw between Barnet and Bournemouth.
(Kenny Lomas, England).

"Alcorcon! Alcorcon! Alcorcon!"
Barca fans at El Clasico, saluting the Division B side that put Real out of the Copa del.
(Paul, Ukraine).

"Shoot!"
Manchester United fans to Darron Gibson, whenever and wherever he had the ball, after scoring two goals against Spurs in the Carling Cup tie.
(Maria, USA).

"We're looking for the two best slappers"
Half-time in Adelaide v Newcastle, looking for people in the crowd with toy clackers.
(Tim, Australia).

"A message for Bournemouth fans, from Becky to Steve: It's been two years, and she still loves you."
Heard on the tannoy at half-time of the Barnet-Bournemouth match on Tuesday.
(Lucy Waldon, Essex).

"Substitution for Huddersfield..."
The announcer at Tranmere v Aldershot as the Shots made their final substitution.
(Dan Brown - Wirral).

"Sign up today for your free chlamydia test for your chance to win an iPod shuffle. And remember, if you haven't had the test, keep your tackle in your pants."
Heard at Scunthorpe-Leicester.
(Gareth Conway, UK).

Add any funny quotes/chants/announcements you have heard to the bottom of this blog - or