One of the joys of being a parent is witnessing the moments our little ones discover their emotions – the things that make them smile, laugh and cry.
However, even as they learn to talk, the ability to express those emotions is not so easy. This is often why we deal with tantrums and meltdowns. But adults can help their children develop healthy habits around feelings and mental health before they start school.
One simple way to talk about feelings with your child is through storytime. Laura Henry-Allain, storyteller, former early years teacher and the inspiration behind JoJo & Gran Gran, has teamed up with children’s mental health charity Anna Freud to create a free storybook for this exact purpose.
We spoke to Laura, alongside Anna Freud’s Dr Abi Miranda, about what children can learn from the book Sometimes Happy, Sometimes Sad and how a little detective work and chat can help your little one live a mentally healthy life.
Sometimes Happy, Sometimes Sad
In , we meet Jackson, a ‘fizzy, whizzy’ three-year-old. One day he isn’t feeling fizzy or whizzy and his teacher Bilal, along with Jackson’s friends Fatima and Nathan, set out to discover why.
Jackson simply doesn’t know why he isn’t feeling his usual self, so Bilal, Fatima and Nathan help him put words to his feelings.
For Laura Henry-Allain, the hope is that Sometimes Happy, Sometimes Sad will help children know that their feelings matter and that they can express them to adults.
“Children in their early years do have a wide range of feelings,” Laura says. “We need to have more conversations around children's mental health with teachers and parents.
“We're giving children the tools to label their feelings and have these discussions. So they go on to school and not see it as a taboo that they feel sad or anxious.”
Dr Abi Miranda, alongside psychotherapist Claudia Coussins, wrote the adult’s guide to Sometimes Happy, Sometimes Sad, which offers advice around supporting early years mental health.
“We wanted something that was easy to understand, that could help empower parents and early years workers to have these conversations with young children in a developmentally appropriate way,” Abi says.
Abi explains that telling stories about feelings helps to normalise different emotions and how they “come and go. Not just looking when there are issues, but developing a positive state of wellbeing.”
Advice for parents
When should I start talking to my child about their feelings?
Jackson, the main character of Sometimes Happy, Sometimes Sad, is three-years old, but can we go even earlier when talking about emotions?
“If your baby's crying, you can provide a narrative and ask them questions. ‘Are you hungry? Do you want your nappy changed?’ It’s normalising the conversation… and you're giving your child new terminology.”
Abi agrees, “Parents are probably doing a lot of these things already - if the baby’s crying, we tend to mirror the baby’s face, so we're displaying emotion back to them and saying, ‘Oh, you're upset. Is it because my hands are cold?’ We're showing them a whole range of emotions.”
Starting nursery and becoming an ‘emotional detective’
As your child reaches two or three-years old, they might start to attend nursery or pre-school, socialising with other children and spending time away from their parents for the first time.
How does this change conversations with our kids around mental health and feelings?
Abi explains, “It’s key that parents have a conversation with the early years workers in that setting, because otherwise there can be so many gaps in what your child has been up to – what has made them happy and what has made them sad - particularly if your child hasn't quite developed those language skills to be able to talk about their experiences.
“Having that reassurance through the people that support your child is really important - to be able to piece together, ‘Is my child’s mood different because they're going through a developmental phase or change, or is there something specific in the nursery that might be upsetting them or unsettling them?’”
Laura agrees and says that parents at this stage need to become ‘emotional detectives’ – understanding what’s going on in their child’s world and finding the best way to help them express themselves.
How can I help my child find the words to express themself?
In Sometimes Happy, Sometimes Sad, Bilal, Fatima and Nathan talk to Jackson about how he’s feeling. Once they learn that he “just feels sad”, they try to help him describe that sadness in the most Jackson-friendly way possible…
“My sadness feels like a big sad cloud over my head,” Jackson says.
“Is the big sad cloud like a marshmallow, Jackson?” Fatima asks. Nathan asks him if the cloud feels like “rainstones on your skin”.
This helps Jackson understand and express his emotions and, at the end of the book, he’s his ‘fizzy, whizzy’ self again.
Laura explains that this is something we all experience, even as parents.
“We know ourselves, as adults, but maybe on a day where you're feeling down, you may not be able to vocalise why you're feeling that way.”
By thinking outside of the box, comparing our emotions to marshmallows and rainstones, we can show our children a new, fun way to express themselves.
Be a role model and be kind to yourself
As your child grows and their brain develops, it can be difficult to keep up with their ever-changing emotions and wellbeing – particularly when you have your own to think of too.
Abi suggests that, “Parents really need to be aware of their own emotional state in order to be able to do the best job they can for their child.
“We'll never 100% get it right, but the more you can be aware of how you're feeling, the better you'll be able to be aware of how your child might be feeling. Every single parent is on a different journey in terms of their own emotional state and mental health.”
Laura agrees - by understanding that it’s okay not to be okay, and expressing our own emotions we can be a strong mental health role model for our kids. As Bilal says to Jackson: “Your feelings, your choice.”
And this starts with self-compassion.
“It's about parents being kind to themselves,” she says. “I'm still learning now as a parent, parenting never ends. As the wonderful Maya Angelou says, 'Do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better, do better.'”
Laura Henry-Allain is a storyteller, producer, former early years teacher and the inspiration behind JoJo & Gran Gran.
Dr Abi Miranda is Head of Early Years and Prevention at Anna Freud, she is also an Educational and Child Psychologist.
