What you wish your parents had known: Five parenting tips from psychotherapist Philippa Perry
Psychotherapist Philippa Perry's latest project, The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read, explains how to parent well and give children a healthy start – while not being too hard on yourself. Here she shares her top five parenting tips.
1. Set boundaries
“It’s really difficult because you love your kid and you want to give them everything, but there comes a time when you reach a limit.
“So whatever your parenting strategies, you’ll need boundaries.
“Even if you think you’re the most facilitating parent in the world, you’ll still need boundaries.
“How do you put down boundaries in a loving way? The answer is ‘I’ statements, not ‘you’ statements. You define yourself and not the child.
“So that means, ‘I know you want to take the night bus across town, but I’m not ready to let you do that yet.’ It doesn’t mean: ‘No you’re 13, you’re far too young’.
“Nobody likes to hear themselves defined, so define yourself and not the child.”
2. Accept all your child’s moods
“The trouble with us parents is we want children to be super happy, all the time. But it’s really important that we allow them to have every mood that they have and that we stay alongside them while they’re having them.
“It’s almost like we love them too much, that we can’t bear to see them unhappy, so we say, ‘don’t be sad’.
“But what we need to be is accepting of every mood they have so they don’t feel bad about themselves when they’re sad or angry because we’re alongside them trying to understand.”
3. Remember you’re a mirror for your child
“Remember that you are a human mirror for your child.
“What I mean by this is by the way you respond to your child - they take that in and it’s a part of themselves.
“So if you’re always telling them off, like ‘Your muddy boots!’, they just see your angry face and they internalize that.
“Now don’t worry if you’ve already done it, but just make sure you light up first before you mention muddy boots because how we respond to them is internalized and becomes part of their make-up.
“So be pleased to see them, we are their mirrors.”
4. All behaviour is communication
“If you’re having what you think are behavioural problems with your child, remember this: All behaviour is communication.
“What your child is doing is trying to communicate something in the best way they know how.
“So what we need to do is find out the meaning of the behaviour and help them find a better way of expressing whatever it is they’re feeling.
“We must allow all feelings, even if we find them inconvenient.
“We must help children articulate their feelings even if they are not what we would feel in their position. Everybody is different.”
5. Your child is not a project or a chore
“If I could only tell you one thing, it would be this: Your kid is not a chore to get through, is not a project to perfect. Your kid is a person to relate to.
“Whether they are a tiny baby or a great big grown-up, they are a person to relate to, not a project, not a chore, a person.”
The Woman's Hour Parenting Podcast is released every Wednesday.
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