JOHN: I must apologise for the accommodations, Eithne. Under the circumstances, this desolate mountain cave is the best I can do.
EITHNE: Do not trouble yourself, John. I concede some girls might find it an inconvenience to be spirited away from a well-appointed manor on the evening of a birthday ball thrown in their honour and fetch up in a dank, vermin-infested hole, but a daughter of Sir Eustace Orfe would not be classed among their number.
JOHN: That's the spirit.
EITHNE: I admit I never suspected that you, Mr John Straight, whose virtue and honest qualities might unkindly be said to border on the tedious, would turn out secretly to be Malkovitch, King of Banditti, that most reprehensible and yet excitingly glamorous figure!
JOHN: But that's it, I'm not a bandit.
A tread and a clattering.
EITHNE: Protect me, John.
JOHN: Ho. Who's there? I have a sword.
BALSAMO: Ho, there, John, Miss Orfe.
JOHN: It's only Father Balsamo. There's no need for terror, Eithne. Father, I don't mind saying that you startled me for a moment. Why, I was convinced you were Malkovitch himself, King of Banditti, come to cut our throats.
BALSAMO: But I am Malkovitch, King of Banditti. I have been leading a double life.
EITHNE: Impostor! Villain! Miscreant!
BALSAMO: All that and more, more indeed than one of your delicate sensibilities could conceive. And yet, deep in the heart of my corruption, your plight has stirred me, made me ponder the puzzle of what a man might be. Am I a bandit who pretends to be a monk, or a monk who pretends to be a bandit? Should I importune innocents, or should I set right injustices? It's a most vexing question.
JOHN: All things considered, I'd incline towards suggesting your espousal of the second course of action.
EITHNE: The one that entails setting right injustices visited upon young lovers such as ourselves.
BALSAMO: Very well. From henceforth, I shall dedicate myself to the cause of righteousness.
***
NICHOLAS: We need someone superfluous, Valeria. Someone who can be written off the books at no loss. It is simple economics.
VALERIA: Anyone spring naturally to mind?
LINOLINE: Oh, I do hope poor Eithne isn't too discomfited by her abduction. Some of these banditti have very low reputations.
NICHOLAS: Yes, Valeria, someone does.
LINOLINE: Gracious me, is that the time? After all this excitement, I had lost track. I must away to my virtuous bed, for tomorrow I'll wager will be a busy day.
NICHOLAS: Dear Aunt Linoline, leaving so soon?
VALERIA: After such an evening, I doubt I could sleep.
LINOLINE: My heart does still palpitate, I admit.
The bell begins its toll.
VALERIA: Perhaps sit here, by open windows, so night breeze might play gently over your heated brow.
LINOLINE: That does sound nice. Ah, such a comfortable chair. But what's that?
NICHOLAS: What's what?
LINOLINE: That dark shape.
VALERIA: A trick of shadows.
LINOLINE: On second thoughts, it's probably best I go to bed now.
VALERIA: Here, let me loosen this scarf from around your throat... your neck should be free, your pulse not stoppered up.
LINOLINE: Ah, the good old bell of Mildew Manor. Reliable as always.
The chimes continue.
LINOLINE [terrified]: Gracious, who are you?
DARK FIGURE: It is I, the Dark Figure, come to wrap you in the warmth of my cloak. Listen to the chimes, count them off in your head. You have such a lovely neck...
LINOLINE [whisper]: Thirteen!
DARK FIGURE: I thirst... I fasten...
A horrible scream rends the air.
VALERIA: The Dark Figure seems to be drinking Linoline's blood. How ...
NICHOLAS: Disgusting? Ghastly? Gruesome?
VALERIA: No. Actually, is little stimulating.
Indecorous sucking and squelching.
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