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Buy an expensive miniaturised phone? I should Coco.

Who's on the phone, Dear? Oh, some clown at a call centre.

What do you mean, "I sound funny" ?

There's something funny with this phone

"Novelty Breakdown Services, how can I help you?"

You mean they've turned down my application to be on TV with Gok Wan again?

What's that? Speak up! 'It's behind me?' A bus?

What do you mean, there's something wrong with that car I sold you - the doors won't fall off?

No you fool, I say again - I'm talking into a Brick.

OK, I'll meet you outside the school - I'll be wearing a red hat

I suppose you'd better send around two taxis - there are 82 of us

'Arry, whatever you do avoid Debenham's make up department there's a sale on.

"That's right, Batman. This time I'm after the OAPs...!"

Look, it's Martin Bell here - about that jacket I sent to your dry cleaners

Bill and Ted's 1990s history quiz just got ALOT easier

"No, I can't make you 'appy. Not on this old phone"

You want me to hold the line? Do you think I'm stupid?

How many more times must Nick Clegg explain that it was after 3pm?

Sorry I'm running late. The girl at the checkout couldn't find the barcode on my suit.

I'm your funny valentine

With his career plans of going on Big Brother in tatters, there was no choice now but to become an accountant.

Circus Ring

You know what they say about men with big feet?
Yeah, bunions.

Accident at work? Hear what Coco has to say. "They got me twenty grand for slipping on a banana skin at work and a further ten for the incident with the bucket of water, now that's a good lawyer."

Hello, RAC? Yes, ALL of the doors. AND the wheels ...

So, you turned up for our first date, but walked right past me?

Hello, Doctor? I'm feeling a bit funny.

Whadaya mean, "do I want an Apple from Orange?" Quit clowning around and upgrade my phone already.

An apple, a blackberry and an orange ? Is that all I get for trading this in ?

Some agent you are! You could have made it clearer they wanted a school crossing patrol for Piccadilly Circus.

So I put on a tie, and they still wouldn't let me into the Ritz

You've got me a part in 'Last of the Summer Wine'? Well I really wanted to do a comedy, but work is work.

I wanted a Smartphone, not a Billy Smart's phone

Cirque de Silly

The latest Nokia advertising campaign is not seen as a sucsess

Give him a ring and an audience, and Coco was happy.

SMS dictionary. :o( means tears of a clown.

Is that the NHS Helpline? Can you speak up please, I've got custard in one ear and jelly and ice cream in the other...that's right, I'm a trifle deaf.

"For a custard pie in the face, press one. For baggy trousers that fall down on cue, press two..."

Ringtonemaster

Hello. This phone I bought from you. I can't get the splat-nav to work.

Yeah, they pelted me with food - anyway, at leaat I've got enough for a nice tomato salad for tea

Yeah, I did not go down well with the hen party - they thought they'd ordered the Chippendales, not Chipperfield's

Don't worry - I'll make some discreet enquiries for you

...and I'm telling you, stripes and spots DO go together!

Grimaldi? I agree - Lidl's much better.

Dress Down Day at London Fashion Week.

"What do you mean, a clown? I've come as the 70s - brightly coloured suit, clunky mobile phone, massive kipper tie..."

You might have told me it was a funeral

First case of happy slapstick recorded on mobile phone in the borough.

You need to hire a big top? See if Jordan's available.

Hello, NHS Direct? What do I do if I'm not having a funny turn?

Hello, Nick here. What do you want me to do now, David?

They've delivered the flowers I sent you for Valentine's Day? Well, of course you're wet.

"Is that the AA? David Beckham's just pushed my car..."

Amid continuing market share woes, Nokia's new CEO shows off their iPhone rival, the fun-Brick.

"Yes,mate,they're doing yet ANOTHER caption competition involving clowns or circuses. Can you suggest anything witty I can do for the camera?"

What's that? The psychiatrist says the kids are frightened of me?

I'm calling off the jewellers shop raid lads, there are too many old ladies with handbags.

Of course I answered quickly - this is a three-ring circus

Would I like a new model? Yes, of course. But I am not signing up to another 20 year contract.

OK, so next week's caption competition picture will be synchronised swimmers or a dog on a catwalk

Silly Hat Shop? Why didn't you tell me there was a phallus shaped one?

What? You mean to say you only sent me here for a laugh?

Well, suit yourself Dot, but I think he's a snappy dresser, and he's got one of those new fangled mobile telephones.

They're threatening legal action? Look, if my name's Solomon, why can't I call myself the Cirque de Solly?

Hello, Top Man? Yeah, I know I said I wanted a suit for my first appearance in court, but I definitely said Crown Court.

So, Andrew said he couldn't see me as The Phantom, but would I like to audition for Joseph?

What do you mean "Two grand a year to insure my car - are you trying to be funny?"

"Nokia, about comedy..."

Well, Sam, I've got to announce more austerity cuts, so I thought I'd try and lighten the atmosphere a little ...

No luck at the auditions, dear - apparently, Hamlet wasn't that sort of Prince

A wait is a terrible thing to mime

UK again accused of not taking Eurovision seriously.

You are joking about the surcharges...

Send in the clowns, do you copy?

They sacked me - why didn't you tell me the job was at Zippo's lighters?

My jokes are NOT as old as my mobile!

Wrinkles no they are laughter lines

I've been reported for making funny phone calls

Bubbles was unimpressed to learn that his voicemail has been hacked by A-muse-of the world newspaper

Yep, I鈥檓 right outside, just arrived. What do you mean it鈥檚 not fancy dress after all???

I feel we bankers are getting some unnecessary stick.

So this is what happened to Busby

Insane clown posse? I'm afraid you've got the wrong number, mate.

He's the funniest bricklayer i've ever seen

What?! The giant, fake squirting daisies are on backorder?!

"Grimaldi? - Cancel the pickets: it's CLONING they object to...."

Who are you calling a clown, I'm the Headmaster.

The cemetary is not allowing fake flowers?!

you're accusing me of clowning around? I have been on hold for 13 years what kind of service do you call this?

Ok Mr Sondheim, we鈥檙e going in now

Speak up, it's my bad ear you're talking into.

I've been banned from the little monster's birthday party, I'm afraid.

Hello is that the RAC the cars in pieces

I know you said you'd give me a ring, but I assumed it was somewhere for me to work in

Joey Rednose gets a call from Dr Will Seeyounow telling him he's suffering from Nominative Determinism.

Nokia launches it's new haute couture range...

What do you mean I 'can't do the school crossing 'cos I'm not wearing Hi-Vis?'

鈥淚 said, I鈥橫 ON A ROAD..鈥�