91Èȱ¬

The photograph shows why the Yeomen of the Guard are beef-eaters - vegetarians would never be able to do this without making embarrassing noises

On your marks

I'll be a lot happier when Percy Shaw invents them cat's eyes.

Of course it's only ceremonial - nobody can afford explosives under the current Prime Minister

Presumably, if we ever have a King running this country, our uniforms will have to be changed to read "IM"

Will there be a ceremonial bang if we find one, Sarge?

Remember, remember, the fifth of November? - I can't even remember what I came in here for

Here, kitty, kitty kitty.

The Yeoman of the Guard synchronised bowls team limber up

You put your left leg in...

I say, this identity parade is jolly difficult, what?

Actually, I'm a vegetarian, but don't tell anybody

Got a light?

The Yeomen step carefully whilst looking for her majesty's lost contact lens

There it is - there's that smell again!

"You put your right arm in ..."

Ruff work, ain't it?

"and u-u-u-u-u-u-u-u-p-p-p-p"

Oh dear, my back's gone out again, and was that your knee I just heard Perkins?

Her Majesty is keen to save on electricity and asked the guys to try a new hand powered suction cleaner

The House of Lords Formation Team was doing rather well in the latest series of Strictly Come Dancing

Formation lamp lifting was scheduled for the 2016 Olympics.

It was a little known fact, but the Beefeaters began life as a 10 Pin Bowling team...

New Royal chess set unveiled.

And the next event will be the egg and spoon race...

With so many 'cash for honours' scandals, the Queen decides to speed things up by giving out knighthoods nine at a time

Lumbago men of the Guard?

Anyone got a light?

Ten quid says we don't find anything, again!

Sorry, lads, but we just failed to get onto this week's 91Èȱ¬ Magazine Montior "Ten things"

Sorry, lads, but we just failed to get our photograph into this week's 91Èȱ¬ Magazine Monitor "Ten things"

(spelling correction)

Hands, Knees and Bombs a Daisy

Actually, I've been practising at home with the wife's dustbuster

Why do tourists always think we're rappers called the Yo! Men?

"And they get away first time..."

Whats the betting Harry has been scattering snuff again, just for a laugh

I must be the only bomb disposal expert with the shakes

on my command you will all glide your lanterns forward along the carpet. The one that travels the least distance gets to clean up all the horse droppings.

Remember, lads, if your trousers rip just try to look casual

Welcome to World's Strongest Man 2010.
Round 1: "Extremely heavy hats"

Of course I saved quite a bit of money by just adding some gold stitching to my old Butlin's outfit

Usain Bolt had already crossed the finish line.

Pan's People unveil their routine to "All Along The Watchtower"

"It's the lumbago I tell you...."

I hate this time of year, the traditional decorating of the tree and putting the sprouts on to boil.

Searching for explosives? I thought we were supposed to be planting them.

The Privy Seal fails to feature in this week's Caption Comp.

We'd better hurry up. I've only got thirty minutes to put on my white beard and get over to Harrod's Father Christmas Grotto.

The opening round of Gilbert and Sullivan wasn't meant to be this, surely?

I think we'd better see if we can get a group deal on prosthetic knee replacements

"Cor, sixteen seconds is a very long time...Wot!"

And this is the ceremonial equivalent of "Last of the Summer Wine"

The Playboy Club reopens as an Equal Opportunities employer.

And so they reluctantly prepared for The Queen's favourite game: Yeoman Dominoes

22 years service, and all I do it carry a camping lamp once a year.

Virgin Mary oversees the start of the London Beef Eater marathon

They call us the Bang Gang

Her Majesty: "A musical play.... four words.... is it something to do with Gilbert and Sullivan?"

Harry dearly wished he hadn't eaten sprouts for lunch

Look lively lads, we've still got all those expense claims to shred

Warning: not suitable for country dancing. May cause back injury.

The 2012 London Olympics, and the German in lane one makes another false start

This lamp is really heavy. If they took it away, I'd be de-lighted.

Yeomen and the groanin' as they look for bombs we hide,
Yeomen and the groanin' wi' their wee lamps by their side,
When they're in their fancy dress, that's the way we like them best,
O, it's only Yeomen and the groanin'!

Here, boys! Don't you want your walkies today, you wretched corgis?

Yeoman caught practicing for light entertainment show.

'Arry couldn't wait until the after speach party, he'd had his rabbit suit freshly cleaned and was looking forward to a good "skritching".

Parliament Square dancing

OK, that's six heads and three tails - so I guess the revolution's off for another year.

"These early men have been dubbed 'Homo Semi Erectus'.

It was either this or fight in Afghanistan

They were hoping that their new fitness video would be a big hit this christmas, "The Yeomen of the Guard Aerobics for Crown Bowlers".

If I found any, I wouldn't tell a soul

I'm fed up with these marbles tournaments. Why can't we have performance reviews like everybody else?

Mr Motivator's appointment as the Buckingham Palace fitness coach was not welcomed by all

As they bent over, and various joints creaked, they were heard to mutter the famous denial, 'Fawkes, me?'

Sneak preview of Thierry Henry's Christmas video, "How to handle the ball with style"

"Oh very funny,who super-glued the lamps to the floor?"

Colin Montgomery has opted for a more traditional Ryder Cup uniform. Here, models demonstrate how easy it will be to mark your ball and line up a putt.

Typical Government cuts - there are actually only five of us and a large mirror

Yes, Your Majesty; no, Your Majesty; whatever you say, Your Majesty. Thank goodness that's over with for another year - have we all passed?

I know they were keen to find those Iraqi WMDs, but this is getting ridiculous...

and as Her Majesty enters, grab the carpet and pull.

I hate these ruddy Government ceilidhs

Damn! They've laddered again!

Riverdance: The Tudor Years

Part of me will be relieved if we get knocked out in the next round.

In the event of a fire, lights at floor level will guide you to the exits.

You put your right arm in...

Fob walkdown

Admittedly Her Majesty had never been known to fetch a dog-end from under her crown and ask for a light, but the Yeoman Warders were prepared for anything.

A whole new take on Crown Green Bowls

Yes, women could never do this as well as men

Of course I know all about the place of Guy Fawkes in history - I've seen "Carry on Henry" fifteen times

Yeoman 7 was momentarily pleased to win the 'closest to the Queen' marbles game, but then the Queen took a step back...

The mantle of powder

I thought there'd be more ceremony to the role - instead, we're asked to be pins so Prince Harry can play skittles

That's what security have asked us to look out for - knives and Fawkes

Gentlemen, start your lanterns

Strictly Line Dancing "a huge hit" say 91Èȱ¬ sources.