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Not to be outdone, John Terry also obeyed the Gavin & Stacey star's command to "Sit down, JT" after grabbing the winner and letting .

Wazza gave the skipper a proper trim in the hotel before the game, after the players were confined to barracks by Sgt Capello, and Terry admitted: "I'm pleased and I might go back to him next time. He was asking a tenner for it but I still owe him." Given that the skipper's barnet always looks as if it's come off second-best in a fight with the proverbial lawnmower, Rooney was in a no-lose situation.

But never mind the locks, what's the betting the United striker's next goal celebration for England will involve some following the announcement that he's to ?

Bookies offer 25/1 that he calls the kid Waynetta - although my money's on Ed in tribute to . As a grizzled father-of-two, I can promise Colleen her next few years will be filled with sulks and temper tantrums - much like the last few in fact.

Elsewhere on the international front, Scotland goalkeeper Craig Gordon was let off the leash after went on the lash and proved to be more Gordon Bleu than Gordon Bennett as he inspired his side to victory over Iceland. The defeat must have left visiting coach Olafur Johannesson looking nervously over his shoulder - although he probably has more chance of retaining his Iceland contract than Kerry Katona.

Another keeper in the news was, who handed Northern Ireland the points by kicking an imaginary ball as the real one sailed past him into the net. Former Polish stopper Jan Tomaszewski claimed the howler was a , but coach Leo Beenhakker meted out his own form of rough justice, just to be sure, by from the team to play San Marino. The Celtic stopper was sorely misssed as Poland just sneaked it 10-0.

Talking of hammerings, Argentina were on the wrong end of a 6-1 mauling by Bolivia. Manager Diego Maradona described every goal as a 'knife through my heart', although Peter Shilton may have preferred to call it karma.

In the Premier League, rumour has it lastminute.com are in talks to replace AIG as Manchester United sponsors after the leaders forced home a winner against Aston Villa in the early hours of Monday. They say time waits for no man but stick a U on the end and it's a whole different ball-game.

Meanwhile, Liverpool had a late-late show of their own to come away with the points at Fulham after hitting the bar more times than

Further down the table, Spurs received a rocket from Genoa president Enrico Preciosi after supposedly offering £10m for striker . "It is ridiculous," he said. "For that amount they would only get Milito's ear." Which would still probably end up with a better strike-rate than Bent and Pavyluchenko.

Over at Newcastle, Alan Shearer swapped the comfort of the sofa for the stench of the bench as he watched his new charges . Match of the Day colleague Mark Lawrenson initially thought Shearer's appointment was an April Fool's joke - and it was certainly more credible than , which claimed Ukraine had been given special permission to play the full six-minute version of their anthem at Wembley, called 'Oy Ukrainy'.

Sadly the penny didn't even drop when I saw the verse "No oil well could ever dig deeper for the Ukraine than Andriy (Shevchenko); Kiev, Kiev, there is no such thing as a Chicken Moscow" - or the fact that it would be sung by Furstov Aprylova. There's no fool like an old fool.

Back to Newcastle - and for those of you who may have missed fellow-blogger Robbo's brilliant biblical take on events at St James' Park, click here. A particular favourite was a comment added by 'olddog_newtricks', who said of Shearer: "He's not the messiah, he's a very naughty boy."

Fashion was high on the agenda for football folk these past seven days, not least the new England strip - likened to a by hacks aplenty, and filling the Wembley pitch with more collars than

The England players' official casual wear also came in for a bashing, not least from Frank Lampard, who interrupted his pre-match press conference to sheepishly apologise for the he and the others had been forced to wear. Bless.

Lampard's club side came in for a bit of stick too, with the Daily Star claiming Chelsea fans thought their team would look like padded jerseys planned for next season. Some bitter QPR fans I know might suggest it wouldn't matter what shirts they wore.

And finally, story of the week came from the Manchester-Villa game. No, not that one - Chorlton Villa v International Manchester in the city's Sunday leagues. As an International player stepped up to take a penalty, putting him off his stroke.

The kick was retaken and the Villa player booked for unsporting behaviour (once the ref had stopped laughing). Unlike the methane, the culprit's identitiy was not released to spare his blushes, so for argument's sake let's call him Damien Guff.

OTHER STUFF

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