Important Moments In Pop History - Part 1
Wouldn't you just love to have been a fly on the wall at some of the most pivotal events in music? The day Lily Allen first discovered swearing, the day Noel Gallagher bought his first Beatles album, the day a Disney exec came up with an idea for a musical set in a high school, but couldn't think of a decent title......
Well, thanks to ChartBlog's tiresome tireless detective work, now you can!
We've used modern technology to unearth previously unseen footage of every major event in the past 40 years of popular song, and then attempted to describe this footage using words (there's some copyright issues, apparently).
It's a big job, a tough job, but I think you'll agree, the results speak for themselves.
Part 1: Elbow Put Up Their Awards Shelf
People say they're the nicest men in music. People say they are childhood friends whose bonds go deeper than the music they make. But is that the real truth behind Bury's favourite scruffbag indie stars? Well, this transcript, taken from the newly-installed CCTV system in their office (at Guy Garvey's insistence), tells a very different story.
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Guy: "So, have we decided where these trophies are going to go? I'm thinking we put the Mercury in the middle, at the front. The NME one can go to the right and the Brit on the left here. Has anyone got a duster? Or some wet-wipes?"
Pete: "What for? We've only just got them..."
Guy: "Well this one has Sarah Harding's fingerprints all over it for starters. And a lipstick smear. We need to get it cleaned up before it goes on the shelf, or it'll stain."
Pete: "I kind of like the smear. When we show that award to the grandchildren, we can say one of Girls Aloud did it. They'll love that."
Guy: "They won't know who Girls Aloud are! And in the meantime I have to sit looking at a dirty award, for years. This is going to play havoc with my creative process, I hope you realise."
Pete: "It's going to what?"
Guy: "You heard me! Next time I have to come up with a song about windows, or flying, I am going to be so preoccupied with that blessed lipstick smear that my muse will desert me."
Pete: "Your...muse?"
Guy: "Did I stutter? My MUSE, PETER! Where all the TALENT COMES FROM! We're going to end up with an entire album about precious things which have become spoiled. Is that what you want?"
Pete: "Actually that doesn't sound too bad to me...."
Guy: "Well it's a good job that I'm in charge of the lyrics then, isn't it? People expect a certain level of quality from my music, and I'm not about to have that compromised by a poorly-displayed award!"
Pete: "Hang on, MY music?"
Guy: "Look at these reviews, Peter! Did anyone mention the bass playing? No they did not! It's all about the singing and the lyrics. And who does those? WHO?"
Pete: "You do, Guy..."
Guy: "You are DAMN RIGHT I do! Look at this pie chart. Our last album was reviewed by 204 different publications, and 73% of all the reviews were about the singing and the lyrics. 14% was about our underdog status and the remaining 13% was a mixture of background information and comments about how I am a really nice bloke."
Pete: "You...you made a pie chart?"
Guy: "Well SOMEONE has to think about these things, Peter. We have a fanbase to think about. You've got to give the people what they want. With Madonna it's about leotards and being haughty. With Kings Of Leon it's about being randy farm-hands in the deep south of America, and with us it's about bliss and hangovers. My bliss. My hangovers."
Pete: "Surely it's more of an ensemble thing..."
Guy: "Is it? IS IT REALLY? When was the last time I asked for help finding a metaphor for being lonely in the sky? When?"
Pete: "I dunno...never, I suppose..."
Guy: "Never, that's right. And until I DO ask for that kind of help, I would be grateful if you would indulge me this one whim, and wipe the lipstick and fingerprints off of MY AWARD. It's not too much to ask, is it?"
Pete: "Well..."
Guy: "IS IT?"
Pete: "No, Guy. Sorry..."
Guy: "Thank you!"
TRANSCRIPT ENDS
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MORE IMPORTANT MOMENTS COMING SOON, INCLUDING:
The day Akon's voice broke.
The day Lady GaGa was struck by makeup lightening.
The day scientists invented autotune.
The day Pete Doherty found his missing 'r'.
Comment number 1.
At 8th Mar 2009, Nazr wrote:rofl reading this!
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Comment number 2.
At 13th Mar 2009, thranjax wrote:Lonnie Donnegan's pivotal experiment with chewing gum and a bedpost.
Cliff "Dorian" Richards discovering the bizarre portrait of himself in his attic.
John Lennon's work with a spirit level, time machine and tape measure discovering that the Beatles were not, in fact, bigger than Jesus.
The day when Simon and Garfunkel swapped hairstyles and went on to international fame and fortune.
The day when Milli Vanilli swapped hairstyles and voices and went on to live under a bridge.
The day of the International Boy Conference when Boyzone, the Beastie Boys, Backstreet Boys and Boyz 2 Men met to debate the actual cut off age above which calling yourself a Boy is just creepy.
Ditto the International Girl Conference.
Ditto the Michael Jackson Conference.
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Comment number 3.
At 13th Mar 2009, Fraser McAlpine - wrote:Ooh! Keep these coming! I might even write some of 'em up!
Any more for any more?
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Comment number 4.
At 9th Apr 2009, Aranes wrote:This comment was removed because the moderators found it broke the house rules. Explain.
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