91Èȱ¬

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Yes, that's right, it's a bunch of banal Nas. On the plus side, this is relatively easy to recreate, after a quick trip to the greengrocers and a lot of time on your hands. But it's no way to run a Lyriscope laboratory. Curiously low score too...

Lyriscope Reading: 3.1

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Lyric: "I guess I just lost my husband, I don't know where he went"

Not that long ago, this would have been a legal minefield to attempt to re-create. Now it is just a matter of going to certain clubs, looking appealing, waiting for the right person to make their move, creating a lasting connection with them, deciding to move in together, then pledging to spend eternity in a supportive and loving bond with them, then arranging a civil ceremony, and a big party, only to become separated in a supermarket queue and then forgetting where you've parked the car.

Months later you discover he banged his head in the cold meat aisle, and now he doesn't remember who you are. See? Easy peasy...if a little upsetting...

Lyriscope Reading: 4.8

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Lyric: "So I'm gonna drink my money"

This experiment took part in three stages:

Stage One - where we poured loose change into a cup, and then nearly died attempting to glug it down.

Stage Two - where we poured a bunch of wet fivers into a cup, and then nearly died attempting to glug it down.

Stage Three - where we poured a mixture of coins and notes into a blender, to make a smoothie, and then broke the blender.

Still, at least we've got the money to buy a new one.

Lyriscope Reading: 2.3

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Lyric: "I got a brand new attitude, and I'm gonna wear it tonight"

I'm sorry, I don't think I'm ready to get back out there yet. It's too soon. I've only just lost my husband, and believe you me, it was hard enough getting him. Please don't make me go out there in just a magazine. A gay magazine at that. I mean, people are going to get entirely the wrong idea. They will just fixate on the partial nudity and miss the science of it all.

And what if it gets dirty? It'll wreck mum's washing machine...

Lyriscope Reading: 1.5

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Lyric: "I wanna get in trouble, I wanna start a fight"

A surprisingly easy thing to do if you walk down the High Street, wearing nothing but a magazine. Oh my aching welts...

Oh, and it turns out it doesn't really matter which magazine it is. Especially if you go out at lunchtime.

Lyriscope Reading: 4.2

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Lyric: "I got my rock moves"

This lyric is self-defeating. Rocks are inanimate objects. Moving like a rock means not moving at all. The idea that you can have more than one "rock move" is therefore ludicrous. Can't quite figure out why the Lyriscope does not agree...

Lyriscope Reading: 0.8

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Lyric: "I'm gonna show you tonight"

One brief visit to the television set later. !

Lyriscope Reading: 5.0

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Lyric: "I'm alright, I'm just fine, and you're a tool"

Yeah, stupid adjustable spanner! What use are you? I don't need you! I'm at the cutting edge of science itself here, and what use is a monkeywrench compared to an attractive pink Lyriscope? Hmm? Hmm? None at all, that's what! Haha! HA! HAHA!

Lyriscope Reading: 3.7

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Lyric: "Uh, check my flow, uh"

Dammit, spoke too soon. Now the laboratory is flooded and the spanner has gone off in a huff. No wonder P!nk's got 'issues'.

Lyriscope Reading: 2.1

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Lyric: "The waiter just took my table and gave it to Jessica Sim"

I didn't even get out of the front door for this one. And probably no bad thing, given the magazine episode from earlier. It turns out you can hire a waiter from the Yellow Pages at a fairly competitive rate. Once he arrived, and the lab had dried out, it was just a question of getting him to make a Jessica Alba replica using The Sims, and then leaving the room while he stole the periodic table from my PC and gave it to her.

Finally, a lyric recreated under laboratory conditions, with no-one attempting to beat me about the face and neck with a handbag. Science be praised!

Lyriscope Reading: 4.2

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Lyric: "I guess I'll go sit with drum boy, at least he'll know how to hit"

(One visit to the Boys Brigade later)

As it turns out, if he doesn't know how to hit, his dad does. Damn you, Einstein!

Lyriscope Reading: 1.2

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Lyric: "What if this song's on the radio, then somebody's gonna die"

Oh now THIS is the kind of this we scientists like! An experiment with a definite outcome. We need to try and measure the levels of fatal ear death which occur when the human face is exposed to the song 'So What' by P!nk, as played on a normal household radio.

So far we have no actual recorded instances of aural mortality, and our subject (the waiter) is looking a bit bored. But we will get there, eventually, maybe...

Lyriscope Reading: n/a

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Lyric: "I'm gonna get in trouble, my ex will start a fight"

Only if I show him the wedding photos. He'd rather forget.

*sob!*

Lyriscope Reading: 0.2

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TOTAL LYRISCOPE READING: 4.2

Conclusion: In retrospect, it's blindingly obvious that attempting to live out the lyrics to any song by P!nk is going to be a journey into somewhere dark and nasty. And this is exactly what has come to pass.

Still, as soon as this fella collapses, we can finish the paperwork and apply for a proper grant. It's only a matter of time before we can harness the power of P!nk and develop a super-weapon for military purposes.

Whether we SHOULD is another question entirely. Sleep tight!

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Previous Lyriscope Readings

Kid Rock - 'All Summer Long'
Katy Perry - 'I Kissed A Girl'
Dizzee Rascal - 'Dance Wiv Me'
Mariah Carey - 'Touch My Body'
Nickelback - 'Rock Star'
Justin Timberlake - 'Lovestoned'
Kate Nash - 'Foundations'
Fergie - 'Big Girls Don't Cry'