New Ideas For X-Factor Theme Weeks
If you believe all the hoo-hah around the final weeks of the X-Factor, you'd think the winner had performed some Herculean task above and beyond that of just turning up once a week to sing a song in a television studio. You'd think that he or she had found a cure for the common cold, while enticing hidden pixies from their homes using the power of song, and lifting their own bodyweight in treacle, balanced on a spike.
It's all in the sentiment of the winner's song, as Peter Kay will be the first to tell you. There's stuff about miracles, stuff about long journeys, stuff about coming through hardship with your head held high and stuff about waiting a long time for the sun to come out.
And yet, all they have really done is sing some nice songs, and win a popularity contest.
Wouldn't it be a lot better if there was some element of risk to the show? Wouldn't it be better if the contestants had to rise to a challenge each week, a bit like the ones in The Apprentice do, but with less rubbish talked about passion and commitment?
In short, wouldn't it be better if the themed weeks on the X-Factor were ramped up a bit, to make everything a lot more challenging for the contestants and entertaining for us?
Yes, yes it would. And here is how it should happen...
Ideas For X-Factor Theme Weeks
The Greatest Hits Of Dr Dre Week
Extra points will be awarded if contestants can get the dropped-out swear words right.
Cockney Knees-Up Week
Examples: 'The Lambeth Walk', 'Let's All Go Down The Strand', 'Knees Up, Mother Brown'
Football Terrace Chant Week
Examples: 'Who Ate All The Pies?', 'You Fat B*', 'We Love You Simon, We Do'
Aphex Twin Week
Examples: 'Come To Daddy', 'Windowlicker'
Official World Cup Anthems Week
Examples: 'Three Lions', 'World In Motion', 'World Cup Willy'
Eurovisions Entries Which Finished Lower Than Fifteenth Overall Week
Examples: Any recent UK entry, really. That Gemini one, for starters.
Songs In An Eastern European Language Week
Everyone loves a tongue-twister.
Songs Where The Gender Of The Singer Is Not The Same As That Of The Person Who Originally Sang It Week
Examples: 'Man I Feel Like A Woman', 'Thong Song', 'You Make Me Feel Like A Natural Woman'
Hair Metal Week
Metal Hair Week
More of a wardrobe one, this.
Songs By Previous Pop Idol/X Factor Contestants Who Have Since Vanished Into Obscurity Week
Examples: The one by that big girl, the one by the cheesy old man.
Songs No One Has Ever Heard Of Week
Examples: Er...
Mozart Week
Not the operas either. The symphonies. In full. This would last all night, and every performance would have to be entirely sung a capella.
Whalesong Week
Simon: "That performance wasn't even good enough for a narwal...it had no spark, it had no drive, and worst of all, it had no porpoise..."
Slipknot Week
The extra fun in this is that people won't know which contestant is which. Plus there's all the shouting.
Gary Glitter Week
OK, probably not.
Devendra Banhart Week
Complete with stick-on beards, plastic fingernails, and a wobbly stage to give their voices the crucial sheepy bray.
Children's TV Themes Week
Louis: "Even Bob The Builder couldn't fix THAT shambles..."
Humming Like Bees Week
Random Tickle Attack Week
Each contestant would perform as normal, except robot arms would pop up from the floor and tickle them, just as they hit their longest, highest, pleadiest note. Contestants would get special credit for keeping a straight face.
Gladiators Week
Ever tried singing on a treadmill while a greased-up steroid-monkey in a leotard whacks you around the head with a giant cotton bud? Nope, me neither.
Singing 'Flying Without Wings' While Falling Down A Lift-Shaft Week
Don't worry, we'll put a mattress at the bottom. Maybe.
Singing With Your Mouth Full Week
Examples: 'Food, Glorious Food', 'Hungry Like The Wolf', 'Eat My Goal'
Children's Bedtime Story Week
Something for the X-Factor's younger audience. Each contestant reads an extract from Winnie The Pooh, and tries not to giggle at lines like "Christopher Robin picked up his Bear by the leg and walked off to the door, trailing Pooh behind him".
Peter Andre Week
Extra Twist: Peter performs as a contestant himself, and may be voted off.
JudgeSwap Week 1
Simon, Cheryl, Louis and Dannii swap with the Strictly Come Dancing judges. This will almost certainly happen.
JudgeSwap Week 2
Simon, Cheryl, Louis and Dannii perform the songs, the contestants judge them.
JudgeSwap Week 3
Simon, Cheryl, Louis and Dannii swap personalities. Then there's a fight over who gets to be Simon.
Simon wins.
Anyone else want to join in? C'mon then...
Comment number 1.
At 18th Oct 2008, stranded_in_time wrote:Oh yes, please let them do this.. then I might actually watch X factor
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Comment number 2.
At 19th Oct 2008, Stevie357 wrote:I quite like the idea of either Pendulum Week, or WWE Entrance Music Week.
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Comment number 3.
At 22nd Oct 2008, superrussdee wrote:what about thrash metal week that should sort the men from the boys
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Comment number 4.
At 22nd Oct 2008, lukewarm & limp wrote:How about Spontanious Human Combustion Week? That way we might rid ourselves of some of the utter dross in this year's show!
Or Tell The Truth Week - where the contestants come clean and admit that the sob stories are really fake and that they've actually had an OK life so far with no real misery in it and they're really just out for fame and MONEY??!
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Comment number 5.
At 22nd Oct 2008, Andrew wrote:"Radiohead WeeK" - The winner is whoever makes one the judges commit suicide.
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Comment number 6.
At 22nd Oct 2008, XxlivsxX wrote:Reality-TV-Eats-Its-Own-Tail week
In which contestants are only permitted to do songs which previous reality TV stars have released.
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Comment number 7.
At 22nd Oct 2008, XxlivsxX wrote:There could also be some eating of tails, to spice things up a bit if necessary.
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Comment number 8.
At 22nd Oct 2008, hackerjack wrote:Reality-TV-Eats-Its-Own-Tail week
In which contestants are only permitted to do songs which previous reality TV stars have released.
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Even better, contestants are only permitted to do songs which previous reality TV stars have ACTUALLY WRITTEN!!!
In all seriousness, a least two shows should be based on songs actually written by the contestent.
There should also be a week where the contestents are all given five new unseen songs to choose one from to perform.
But most of all, they should stop us knowing anything about them before they win. No personal background, no bloody sob stories.
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Comment number 9.
At 26th Oct 2008, phoebe_bebe wrote:How about panto/dame week!
What a hoot :) x
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Comment number 10.
At 28th Oct 2008, -RachelS- wrote:Miming Week... to their own recordings, or somebody else's! (Comedy value if miming to a singer totally unlike them - see 'Songs Where The Gender Of The Singer Is Not The Same As That Of The Person Who Originally Sang It Week,' above!) A useful skill for their possible future careers, and may be less painful for the audience!
I saw the X-Factor with the sound down and subtitles last week (don't ask - I was at work!) It was interesting being able to see, but not hear the performers. Some of them looked as if they were miming even though they were actually singing! I don't know what to make of that...
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Comment number 11.
At 28th Oct 2008, -RachelS- wrote:Also:
Singing While Performing A Circus Skill Week (juggling, tightrope walking, trapeze - extra points for singing while hanging upside down).
Singing While Gargling Week
Birdsong Week - the contestants each have to learn the call of a species of bird, and there is special credit for managing to get a real bird to answer back! (Orville, Big Bird etc do not count and will result in disqualification!)
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Comment number 12.
At 30th Oct 2008, hackerjack wrote:I'm a celebrity week where they sing in between eating live bugs, hugging snakes and bog snorking.
Think of it like work expereince in schools, preparing them for the world after pop.
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Comment number 13.
At 30th Oct 2008, thranjax wrote:John Cage week.
Just silence. That would be ideal.
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Comment number 14.
At 9th Nov 2008, Mrs_Malevolent wrote:EACH judge should have a SAFTY CARD thats they can use ONCE during the live shows. so that they have SOME chance of keeping the BETTER singers in the competition. OBVIOUSLY the right people arnt voting because they think that the good singers have enough votes already and if they vote for them it wont make a difference. therefor leaving the wrong people voting.
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