It's A Funny Old World, Eh?
I will get to why this picture made me giggle in a moment. In the meantime, here's some information about the new Portishead album.
The new Portishead album 'Third' is an amazing thing. It's among the coldest, bleakest, most brutal and punishing albums you are ever likely to hear, and yet it is made entirely from whispers, moans, bangs, clanks and groany old synthesizers.
It's also entirely gripping from start to finish, and features a song which is performed on a ukulele - complete with barbershop harmonies - and was heavily influenced by a song in the '70s comedy film The Jerk, starring Steve Martin.
And it's the kind of record which is hard to recommend, not because it isn't good, but because it hits hardest in the darkest recesses of your music-loving heart. The places where it's just you, your headphones, and Portishead making ghosty-robot noises in the dark. It certainly isn't music which immediately makes you wish you could hear it in a festival environment on a hot day, unless you're desperate for a bit of human warmth and a hug.
As a case in point, this is the first single 'Machine Gun'. This is the song the band thinks will lure people to go and buy the album. This is the Portishead version of a welcoming, friendly and eager-to-please comeback...
See what I mean? They really are the band who put the 'brrrr!' in 'brilliant', right?
Which makes that graphic at the top there all the more hilarious. I mean ringtones? SRSLY? That's Crazy Frog territory, isn't it?
I know everyone does ringtones these days, but I had assumed - maybe wrongly - that it's the cheerier songs which tend to do best. 'Rock Star' by Nickelback, maybe, or 'Umbrella' by Rihanna. The sort of songs you're happy to hear at any time of the day or night (or 'Rock Star' by Nickelback).
I don't know about you, but if my phone started making Portishead noises at me, and there was an incoming call, I would assume it was very, very bad news, from someone like Death himself, and run to the hills.
Hardly a viable new revenue stream for the band there, then...
Comment number 1.
At 30th Apr 2008, -PBG_26- wrote:LOL
I'd assume it was from Death itself too
Probably the Grim Reaper
Wait, why would Death call you??
Oh I dunno
=S
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Comment number 2.
At 30th Apr 2008, Fraser McAlpine - wrote:He would ring to say one thing, and one thing only...
"IT'S REAPING TIME"
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Comment number 3.
At 30th Apr 2008, -PBG_26- wrote:lol, the only thing worse than that would be Chico ringing you at 3 in the morning just to sing ''Its Chico Time!'' down the line to you
Argh that would be AWFUL!!
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Comment number 4.
At 30th Apr 2008, Fraser McAlpine - wrote:Oh yeah, gimme death every time!
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Comment number 5.
At 30th Apr 2008, -RachelS- wrote:It would be handy if Death were to make a courtesy call before coming to reap...
At least it would give you a bit of notice, so you could let everybody know: "Well, he says it'll be at 3.15 next Thursday, but you know what he's like, so I'd get here for 3 o'clock."
You could always try and put him off, too, saying you're busy...
Or divert him to answerphone - he might get fed up and go away.
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Comment number 6.
At 30th Apr 2008, HG wrote:That would be one heck of an answerphone message...
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Comment number 7.
At 30th Apr 2008, Fraser McAlpine - wrote:"ER...HI...IT'S DEATH HERE. I AM COMING FOR YOU. BUT YOU, AH, YOU'RE NOT THERE. WELL, WHEN NEXT WE SPEAK IT SHALL BE YOUR TIME OF RECKONING, SO...Y'KNOW...RING BACK, DON'T RING BACK...IT MATTERS NOT. TATTY-BYE!"
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Comment number 8.
At 1st May 2008, HG wrote:Call Death back??!!!
"Erm, hello, it that Death?"
"YOU ARE CORRECT."
"Um, you called me this afternoon..."
"..."
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Comment number 9.
At 1st May 2008, Fraser McAlpine - wrote:Haha!
"I DID. IT IS YOUR TIME."
"Er, yes, you mentioned that. Now, are you sure you have the right number? It's just I have had some strange calls from people who were trying to find a Mike Johnson? Could it be him you want?"
"I SHALL CHECK..."
*long pause*
"YES, IT IS MIKE JOHNSON'S TIME. I SHALL REQUIRE A TELEPHONE WITH LARGER BUTTONS IN FUTURE. FAREWELL."
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