91Èȱ¬

The very first thing you're advised to do, once all the bazillions of dollars come rolling in, is invest the money in another product which will also sell well. This is partly because what else are you supposed to do all day once you've hit the big time, but mostly this is because it protects you, Spongeco, from going bust as soon as the market becomes flooded with cheaper versions of your unhairy product.

This has a lot more to do with pop music than you'd think. How many times have you seen news reports of famous pop people who wish to diversify and move into acting? Did you assume this was just because pop stars consider being a pop star as a lesser job to being a movie star, and that their massive egos DEMAND that they are the best in every possible creative discipline?

Well, that's also true, but mainly it's because the career lifespan of a successful singer or musician, based on thier music alone, is actually very short, but the career lifespan of a successful singer or musician who can act a bit, well that's another matter.

Sadly, most pop stars can't even remember the name of the town they are playing a concert in, much less a bunch of lines in a film in which they are playing someone who is not them (OH, THE INDIGNITY). This leaves them searching for other ways to diversify their brand.

And that, fundamentally, is how the celebrity toiletries industry came into being. A whole load of jittery stars, richer than King Midas's manicurist, but worried that their empire may suddenly crumble if they don't put down solid foundations. Suddenly they're all launching some seemingly random product, like a branded soft drink, for instance (50 Cent, true), or Liam Gallagher-flavoured gravy ("Aaah! Oxoasis!", false).

(Incidentally, you rocksnobs needn't scoff too much at this point, there's not many guitar-type-bands whose principles forbid them from having a logo, or putting it on a product which is not a CD. Merch stall, anyone?)

Now, this is where a pop star's principle asset (beyond the music) becomes their saving grace. Pop stars, by definition, are sexier, better-groomed, more fragrant and foxier than the likes of you or I. This means that there are definitely people who would like to know their hair and beauty secrets, and it also means that if you look at a picture of, say, Kanye West, and think "he looks like he smells AMAZING" - which people actually really do DO, by the way - the natural result of that is that a Kanye West-branded aftershave is going to sell BIG, if only to girls who want their boyfriends to smell like they imagine Kanye does. See?

What's especially interesting about a lot of music-related celebrity-endorsed beauty ranges is that they often come at a point where the star's celebrity rating actually eclipses their music sales. So, P Diddy's comeback album, no matter how well it's done, is no match for the coverage he gets for being P Diddy in the celeb-press, and seeing as none of them are talking about his music, but a lot of them are talking about his Sean John range of...stuff...his CD sales are no longer a measure of the worth of the man, sorry, BRAND.

This means that any knackered old pop pony whose tabloid stock is still high and who still has that certain sexy something can use this to treat their flagging music sales to some cosmetic assistance.

Speaking of which, look! Jamelia has partnered up with two models - Helena Christensen and Erin O'Connor - to be part of the group face of a new range of hair care products from Toni & Guy. Now, we here at ChartBlog like Jamelia a great deal. She's beautiful, she's talented, she's made some amazing pop records, and she had harsh words for Javine Hylon on Never Mind The Buzzcocks, so good luck to her in all of her endeavours.

In fact, the only real note of criticism you could sound over Jammy's latest attempt to put food on the table for her family, is that the range she has signed up for is called Model.Me, which is frankly shoddy treatment of a fine pop lady. I mean, would Kylie have stood for this? Would Madonna? Of course not.

At the very LEAST her boxes should have Popstar.Me, on them. And when those CDs REALLY start to fly out of the shops and she becomes big enough, Brand.Me is the correct terminology to use.

(None of this detracts from the hilarity of going "ooh look! Gwen's made a smell!" every time a new celeb-related fragrance hits the market, natch.)