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Rang the gym. They asked me how flexible I was. I told them I couldn't make Tues or Thurs. - Jeanie, from Stafford

People say a woman's work is never done. Maybe that's why they get paid less. - Andy, Birches Head

Two television aerials got married. The wedding wasn’t great, but the reception was terrific.

It was the happiest day of my life. I slowly walked down the aisle, gently kissed my husband; and then quickly shut the lid.

Police are searching for a tiny clairvoyant who has escaped from prison. She's being described as a small medium at large. – Sparky

Listen in to Paula's world

A friend of mine bought a microwave bed … he got eight hours sleep in 20 minutes. - Malcolm, Kidsgrove.

Calendars… they’re a bit dated, aren’t they? - Harry, Stafford.

My husband bought me a wooden leg for Christmas once. It wasn't my main present, it was just a stocking filler! – Jacqui, Eccleshall

The mother in law came round unexpectedly the other day. That's the last time I buy cheap chloroform from the supermarket. – Sparky

Two snakes left the Ark. Noah said "Go forth and multiply". They said "We can't, we're adders!" - Graham, Baddeley Green

One woman asks another, "why do you wear your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" she replied, "I married the wrong man" - Peter, Sandbach

Two peanuts were walking down Piccadilly at night. One was A-SALTED! – Doug
A chap says to his friend, "you've put on a lot of weight recently". He says "yes I've had a lot on my plate." - Kevin, Hanley

A horse goes in a pub. The barman says, "why the long face?" - Paul, Crewe

A Clown

Two flies playing football in a saucer. "We'll have to play better than this next week - we're in the Cup!" – Arthur, Dresden

How do you make an apple puff?�� Chase it round the garden. – Mavis

Two men are off to a do at a local country club, "where's your tie?" one said to the other, so he looks in the car and found some jump leads. “These'll have to do!” He gets to the bar and the barman says, "don't start anything in here mate" - Penny and Big Jeff, Walleys Landfill.

Two atoms are talking, one says: “I think I've lost an electron." The other says: "are you sure?" The first says: "I'm positive" - John, Berryhill

Bill and Ben are in the bath. Ben breaks wind. Bill says, 'half past 2 I think' - Andy

2 lions are walking down Blackpool Pleasure Beach. One says to the other, "it’s quiet for a bank holiday isn’t it" – Dave, Burslem and Sheila, Rode Heath

The wind whistled 'all through the night' … and other welsh hymns!! – Ray, Sneyd Green.

Funny Cartoon

What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot!�� - Andrew, Weston Coyney

2 snakes in the grass. One says, "Are we poisonous?" The other says, "Some of us are and some aren't.... why do you ask?" The first says, "I have just bit my lip" – Paul, Norton

What’s pink and fluffy? Pink fluff. What’s blue and fluffy? Pink fluff holding its breath. – Dave, Burslem.

Two snow men are in a field. One says to the other, "Can you smell carrot?" – Dave, Burslem

Two parrots are sitting on a perch . One says: “Can you smell fish?” – Gerry, Kidsgrove

Went to the chippie the other day and asked for a bag of chips. The lady said "70 or 90?" I said, "If you're going to count them, I'll have fish instead". - Taxi Pete, Hanley