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Epic novel Love In The Time Of Cholera by Gabriel Garc铆a M谩rquez manages to be both weighty and whimsical, or as director Mike Newell put it, "a great big ocean liner of a story". Sadly, in adapting the book for the screen, Newell is the iceberg that reduces all that grandeur to a soggy heap on the ocean floor. That's despite the commanding presence of Javier Bardem who plays the daydreaming telegraph clerk in the grip of romantic obsession.

Florentino is a teenager when he first claps eyes on Fermina (Giovanna Mezzogiorno). They exchange love letters much to the dismay of Fermina's overprotective papa (John Leguizamo) who carts her away to a distant corner of South America. But this only fuels the fire. From the telegraph office, Florentino continues to woo his sweetheart and is only forced to think twice years later when she marries Dr Urbino (Benjamin Bratt). Heartbroken, Florentino consoles himself with countless sexual flings and the belief that one day, his love will be requited.

"A LACK OF GENUINE FEELING"

It isn't the scrappy, stick-on latex or overdone doddering that evokes the passage of five decades as much as the hackneyed storytelling. Florentino's evolution from cocky teenager to awkward virgin to Don Juan is wildly unconvincing, not least because the women who throw themselves at him (and, literally, 'on' him) come across like refugees from a soft porn movie. Bardem has moments of pathos and yet without sensitive direction, his attempts at wide-eyed innocence with periodic weeping is just creepy. Mezzogiorno can afford to be a little more dignified as Fermina, alas it isn't just her co-star she keeps at arm's length. There is a lack of genuine feeling that means you're more likely to laugh than cry when the aged Florentino risks a hip injury in the name of love. In all, Newell shows us a lot of skin but fails to get beneath it.

Love In The Time Of Cholera is out in the UK on 21st March 2008.