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The critical knives were out long before Guy Ritchie's remake of Lina Wertmüller's 1974 Italian pic bombed in the US. But this waterlogged romantic comedy really does deserve to sink without trace.

Madonna plays Amber, a rich bitch who gets her just desserts when she's stranded on a desert island with Giuseppe (Adriano Giannini), a lackey she's been abusing aboard her fabulous yacht. With the tables turned, Giuseppe exacts revenge by making her his slave, both domestically and recreationally.

Back in the late 80s, Kurt Russell and Goldie Hawn trod similar terrain in "Overboard". And that worked because Hawn has both charm and comedy timing, ensuring that even when she's in nasty mode, she's entertaining to watch.

The crushing difference with Madonna is that she has neither good comedic sense nor any warmth, making her character unredeemable to a popcorn-munching audience.

In fairness, she doesn't stand a chance when she has to battle with a script that mistakes vicious nasty exchanges for sharp scathing wit. She can thank her husband for that.

As for Giannini, he spends the first half of the movie endlessly complaining like some old fishwife, only to then turn into a violent psychopath.

The extraordinary thing - and the pill no one can be expected to swallow - is that out of this cauldron of cruelty, love emerges. Yeah right! There's not a single person here you wouldn't happily see walk the plank, something Ritchie has inexplicably overlooked.

Maybe his decision to make "Swept Away" proves that love really is blind. Let's hope his future filming schedule with Madonna is restricted to home videos with Lourdes and Rocco.

"Swept Away" is released on video and DVD on Monday 12th May 2003.