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Words cannot describe how bad Burnley's season has been

The 'Call Yourself A Professional Footballer - Pull Your Blinking Finger Out' XIThe players who couldn't beat your granny in a one-on-one. The players whose wage packets are inversely proportional to their ability.

1. Manuel Almunia: Qualified for England and worse than ever - that Barca game apart.

2. Paulo Ferreira: I doubt he expected to get a kick this season and he's lived up to that expectation even when he starts for Chelsea.

3. Emiliano Insua: Couldn't defend a sandcastle from an incoming toddler.

4. Clarke Carlisle: Nice bloke - bright too - but too often he's just consonant-consonant-vowel-consonant.

5.Titus Bramble: Some bloke wrote a book called Titus Groan - could've been written for Bramble, although he took his goal well against the Gunners.

6. Mikael Silvestre: Arsenal, Man U, France - it's a miracle. Has he got Derren Brown working for him?

7. Lucas Leiva: Maybe he's cursed by being that rare combination of Brazilian and average.

8. Jermaine Jenas: Not around much this year... so no change there.

9. Alberto Aquilani: Signed for £17m, plus add-ons - the add-ons being the medical bills.

10. Johann Elmander: Plays with his back to goal, even when he's facing it. Hopeless.

11. David Ngog: There's a new Monopoly board game set at Anfield and one of the Chance cards says: 'Go to jail, go directly to jail, do not pass to Ngog'.

Manager: Roberto Mancini (if Bobby Manc fails to lead City to the promised land of the Champs League).

2. Gary Neville: Got back to fitness by imagining himself trapped at the end of a cul-de-sac by Liverpool fans.

3. Jody Craddock: Solid, reliable, full of moral fibre - an all-bran of a centre-back.

4. Sol Campbell: Freakishly good on his return to the big time - well, to Arsenal, anyway.

5. Kevin Kilbane: Never been a world-beater, but has that thing we fans crave - a good engine.

6. Graham Alexander: It only seems like yesterday that Walter Winterbottom included Graham in his England squad.

7. Paul Scholes: After the snog from GNev I doubt we'll see him score again. What a player.

8. Danny Murphy: Another quietly efficient season - he's like a reasonably well-off man's Xabi Alonso.

9. Kevin Phillips: All right, he's only played a sum total of seven-and-a-half-minutes, but he's not forgot a thing, has he?

10. Ryan Giggs: Ryan was Sports Personality of the Year - and he is a good sportsman, isn't he?

11. Damien Duff: Reborn at the Cottage, despite a pledge to stick with it at St James' Park.

Manager: Sir Alex Ferguson.

1. Heurelho Gomes: (Or indeed Paul Robinson or Craig Gordon).

2. Gary Neville: Still a bit of life in the old dog when the Brazilian Pokemon twins aren't available.

3. Gareth Bale: Remarkable transformation, the simian left-back is one of the most dangerous players in the division.

4. Sebastian Bassong: It's hard to imagine any Newcastle defender from last season could be up to much, but he's done OK.

5. Charles N'Zogbia: Another ex-Toonite, he's over the sulks and top-notch.

6. Florent Malouda: Couldn't believe he got to stay at the Bridge, but a few braids later and he's one of the best players there.

7. Dirk Kuyt: I bow to his work-rate.

8. Darren Bent: Facts are he's scored half of Sunderland's goals - which surprisingly is a lot more than eight.

9. Bobby Zamora: Unrecognisable from the lummox at Spurs - he's been undeniably brilliant.

10. Cameron Jerome: A bit of a pace-over-product merchant, but Brum's good season has a lot to do with him leading the line.

11. Darren Fletcher: (See Dirk Kuyt).

Manager: Roy Hodgson.

1. Peter Cech: Can hardly catch a cold these days)

2. Gary Neville: Forget what I said earlier - one-paced and tiresome.

3. Wayne Bridge: After all the shenanigans about not playing for England, doesn't look like we'll miss him after all.

4. Michael Carrick: There is some kind of killer blow missing in Carrick - it's like he's a Geordie Tim Henman or summat.

5. John Terry: Could be outpaced by an overfed tortoise.

6. Geovanni: Remember him? Used to score spectacular goals when Mr Brown was in town and the future was orange.

7. Anderson: Have never seen him look like he knows what he's doing. Ever.

8. Jon Obi Mikel: Apart from giving away stonewall penalties and getting away with it, what does he offer?

9. Jason Scotland: You're a goalscorer, you're called Scotland. How's that ever going to work?

10. Kenwynne Jones: Looks imposing 'til he lets another sitter through his legs, when he looks like a bow-legged flamingo.

11. Michael Owen: Not entirely his fault, but the man needs to get working on his punditry persona quick-smart.

Manager: Rafa Benitez

We were trying to think of the 'Most Irritating XI You Could Put Out on a Premier League Pitch' and we suddenly became aware that you should do worse than name England's starting XI: Cashley, JT, Rio, Gerrard in tumbling mode, Shaun Cul-de-Sac Wright-Phillips... so we stopped doing that list there and then.

Just think how insufferable they'll be if the unthinkable happens...

P.S. You can (at last)