91Èȱ¬

"But unto the place there came a . He, short of stature and narrow of eye, arriveth. His voice was most strange, such as a second-hand car dealer might use, and he did say such things as 'Leave it aht, give over, you're fammlee!'

"And the Wise man, who didst nought but ducketh and diveth, didst anoint himself Director of Football. Then was King Kev thrown into despair, for, thought he, if I do not direct football then what the hell am I here for? And lo, though didst him beseech to 'calm down' King Kev was sore o'erwrought.

"He sought out his master, he that is known as , possessed of wealth beyond imagination and supernatural powers such that he can .

"And lo, the Lard didst speak, and he did say unto Kev: 'Much trusted wert thou but then didst thou turn upon thy own kind and speak of the utter hopelessness of our ever conquering the Big Four Horsemen of the Premier League.

"And much shame didst thou bring upon us with thy reality check. And hast thou not solved the problem? And is't not yon so much unwell that we might as well sell him to Nay, then shall we and the little Wise man take from thee all that thou hadst save the name of Manager.'

"Then didst King Kev fall upon'st the sod (not Ashley, the ground) and didst from his pram throw many toys. And he did cry unto his Master 'Lard, Lard, why hast thou forsaken me?'

"For 'tis true that when he returned to his home of St. James's, he found the and no could be found, for lost was he to the right hand of O'Neill.

"And word from East Lands came, where once the mighty Kev had lived and done yet another runner. There, , who didst not know what the hell was going on himself but seemed dead chuffed any road, and even then knew'st more than one . And King Kev wept.

"And the skies darkened and the sky split with lightning and those that would defend King Kev didst fall to the ground in dismay and howl unto the Gate of Gallow: 'Alas, when will a canny fella come along and throw a shedload of cash at us?'

And Ashley was condemned to Hull whence he did wear his Magpie shirt with the same name upon the back, only now there was an apostrophe in front of it so it read: 'KING KEV.

"And thus unto the wilderness were cast the Magpies, there to faff about pretending to be a football club. And none of the powerful shall discuss the elephant in the room, not least the elephant in the room, the lard Ashley.

"And years shall pass, more fallow than before, years when didst seem an entertainer most excellent, and even Roeder didst seem to speak with the voice of angels.

"And more shall come, the , the Sven and Houllier, but none shall stay, for as anyone can foretell, a manager cannot manage if his balls are no in his own court but in the grip of some pint-sized Cockney.

"But then the disciples saw anew the true Messiah. And it was not Kev. It was he that didst lounge with the Lawro and hide with the Hansen, in shirts most bizarre that he must shop at the same gaff as Graham Norton.

"And all shall come before him, yea even the Wise man and the Lard Ashley. And many wives shall be offered in sacrifice, aye and families too. And the army of Toon shall wait at the Gate of Gallow in the land of St.James's til the bell that tolls the end of the world crying 'Shearer! Shearer! Shearer!'"