Paper Monitor
13:54 UK time, Wednesday, 17 March 2010
A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.
Paper Monitor doesn't go in for rootling through the wreckage of the private lives of Hollywood stars.
Or at least we don't name them when we do.
The clue to this ill-starr'd couples identity can be found in Jan Moir's opinion piece on page 23 of the Daily Mail - "both born in Reading".
Moir lets her descriptive abilities off the leash.
"These days she is the big Camembert, while he must be content to squeak along in her cheesy wake."
And who can doubt the passion in this line:
"[He] began growing interesting beards and experimenting with assorted goatees and moustaches, most of which rampaged across his face like an unattractive attack of Japanese knotweed."
Elsewhere, the papers could be accused of zeroing in on female 91Èȱ¬ presenters today. Again we won't name those featured.
The Mail features a five-year-old photo shoot of a Northern Irish presenter who is romantically linked with the only public school-educated player in the England squad.
And the Daily Express singles out a news presenter as a candidate for Rear of the Year. The article contains the memorable paragraph:
"In the same year she presented Crimewatch in a knee-length dress. Viewers were said to have been distracted from all thoughts of catching criminals when she perched on a desk during the show."
And finally, as a news presenter might say, how might one headline a match report from last night's Champions League? A match in which Jose Mourinho - who famously referred to himself as the "Special One" - returned to Stamford Bridge... with Inter Milan, and against Chelsea. Hmm, perhaps the final score will throw up some ideas.
"The Special 1 Chelsea O" - Times
"Special 1 Chelsea O" - Daily Star
"Special Won" - Daily Mail
"He's the Won" - Daily Mirror
But not all are singing from the same hymn sheet:
"Mourinho's revenge, Chelsea out" - Guardian
"Mourinho's revenge" - Independent, adding on its back page... "Drogba off as Chelsea tumble out of Europe"
The 
