Paper Monitor
12:55 UK time, Wednesday, 24 June 2009
A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.
Paper Monitor is SO looking forward to Glastonbury (other - so many other - live-in music festivals are available).
But what to wear while slumped on the sofa, sharing toilet facilities with one's immediate family only, and swearing mildly under one's breath at how long the interactive red button multi-screen doodad takes to load, so long that one is at risk of missing Björn Again's set?
Because a Glastonbury outfit is very important indeed. Patterned wellies? Surely not. Flip-flops? Ditto - the risk of trench foot is too great, what with flip-flopping between coverage from Worthy Farm and Wimbledon.
And a waistcoat is so out (dating from when Kate dated Pete) that fashion may well have deemed it hot again, only with some arcane twist Paper Monitor is unaware of.
Fortunately, as today is the day the hordes begin their commute to Somerset, there is plenty of advice. T2 in the Times suggests a dress, shorts, wellies, a bag and a mac.
Alternatively, LA columnist Chris Ayres says is all the rage across the Atlantic. This is more like it. An adult romper suit. With feet! Or a blanket with sleeves, so one can operate the remote while remaining snugly. If one chose a blanket in a sombre shade, it might even look a little like the outfit chosen by the new Speaker. And then one could shout "order! order!" at the cat. As it ignores you.
Meanwhile, what has one learned today? The Daily Mail reports that you after all.
And the word for someone married to five people at once is (brazen being the old Latin term for five-at-the-same-time). The Mail, true to form, is all over the tale of the predatory ex-glamour model who counted off husbands one, two, three, four and five.
How might such a woman break the news to hubby number five that he is not the only one? On their honeymoon train to Scotland, "snuggled up in their seats... [she confessed] their marriage was a sham. Then - just in case he didn't believe her - she whipped out a sheaf of newspaper cuttings to prove it."
On behalf of newspapers everywhere, Paper Monitor apologises to the latest Mr Emily Horne.
The 
