During every rugby game, in any part of the world, this happens: A man called the , who is as confused as the rest of us when it comes to deciphering what he is about to watch, shouts: "Crouch, touch, pause..."
And before he has the chance to say the next word, which for all out there is actually the word "engage", there is an almighty THUMP as 16 men try to get a little closer to each other. Then the collapses.
I'd like to change scrum laws. We should allow the front rows to bind down, the second rows to join in, and then the back row. Scrums, as they are now, are a mess. Most of us are bored with scrummages collapsing.
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Well done, .
In the seventies a posh meal was prawn cocktail, steak and chips with a chopped tomato, Black Forest gateau, and Matheus Rose wine.
In Scotland, pubs shut at ten, and drinking and driving was something people tried to get away with.
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If you try to blind someone in a game of rugby, you should be banned for life.
I don't know the legal hot-water test here, but I saw a couple of eye gouging incidents on the telly this summer that the authorities ducked out of like pathetic little children when, actually, those high-profile players should have been ejected from the game.
And there's a recent one, too, by .
I thought rugby was stronger than football and could send out a tough message. Now I am not so sure.
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I think it's time we had a British and Irish League.
The Welsh would like to play with the English, the Irish would like to play with the English, and the Scots would like to play with the English. Oh dear, I wonder what's holding it back?
My theory on countries is that we are all just split up by lines that someone drew on the ground hundreds of years ago.
Newcastle and perhaps even Manchester are closer to Glasgow and Edinburgh than they are to Bath and Gloucester and it's just a hop to Ireland and Wales.
Anyway, there we were after the stirring 33-11 on Friday night and local captain John Barclay came to join us on 91Èȱ¬ Radio Scotland.
"What really motivated us," he said. "...was watching Sky this morning when Will Greenwood said that Gloucester would definitely beat us and it was a banker for them."
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I was born in Borneo, spent my formative years swinging from the trees, and you might know me as an international rugby player, but now I'm off to London to give you my opinion on all things Olympic as part of the 91Èȱ¬ Scotland Sport Nation Olympic team.
