91Èȱ¬

Scholes' stunning header in the Manchester derby was greeted with a passionate smacker on the lips from team-mate Gary Neville - a bit like winning a luxury cruise, only to discover you'll be sharing a cabin with and .
Get a room!
It's obvious by now that I'm no , but what's the betting the ginger ninja rediscovers that extra yard of pace the next time he finds the back of the net?

Tottenham visit Old Trafford this weekend, brimming with confidence after disposing of their two sworn enemies within the space of four days. The 'Spurs mafia' in this office have been incorrigible ever since - the last time I saw anyone get that excited about fourth place was when my nan had 10p each way on

As for Chelsea, they continue to take two steps forward and one back - or in John Terry's case, several steps forward, all the way to the dressing room. The skipper had already given a penalty away before picking up his second yellow, but at least he got a nice warm reception from the Spurs fans as he headed down the tunnel.

As match analyst Graham Taylor put it: "I don't care whether he's the England captain or not - he has to go." Although quite what Rio Ferdinand had to do with it is anyone's guess.

, Chelsea have already been making inquiries about an open-top bus parade in the event of winning the Premier League title, but any more slip-ups and they might be holding it after the Lord Mayor's Show.

As the race for the title/fourth place enters the home straight, lots of fans are going to find themselves in the strange position of supporting teams they would rather not.
Manchester United will be rooting for Liverpool against Chelsea, Liverpool could be cheering on Chelsea at Anfield, Tottenham will be backing Arsenal against Man City, and the Gunners may be hoping Spurs see off United.

One person who won't be seen off any time soon is after next season, telling Her Majesty's Press: "You'll be gone before me, don't you worry!" In other words, he had been considering his future, but was forced to issue a statement after an unimpressed Lady F got wind of his plans.

Fergie's old sparring partner, Arsene Wenger, was up to his old tricks at Wigan, booting a water bottle after seeing his side throw away a two-goal lead (at least I think it was him). After the game, the exasperated Frenchman snapped: "I don't know who will win the title now - and I don't care." So there.

Wenger's mood softened later in the week when he was asked about transfer targets for next season. He said: "I might have to sign Real Madrid's cast-offs. Maybe it's worth waiting outside their stadium and seeing what players they let go."

One player who has blossomed since leaving the Bernabeu is Wesley Sneijder, who scored in - a result which prompted the headline of the week in the Mirror: 'Lionel Twitchy'.

There were rumbles of discontent within the Barca camp about Jose Mourinho's instructions not to water the pitch, while the Special One was quick to pounce on suggestions that the long coach trip may have taken its toll on the visitors.
Look into my eyes, not around the eyes
Mourinho said: "The way they are, tomorrow we will probably read I am to blame for the volcano. Maybe I have a friend in the volcano and I am responsible for that."

He then turned his attentions to his petulant young striker Mario Balotelli, booed by Inter fans after coming on as a sub and hardly breaking sweat. Mourinho said: "He needs to show that he has understood how to play football and that he should leave the pitch dead. Of course he's not going home dead because he didn't run much."

The rest of the Inter players did put in the hard graft, although if we are to take Mourinho at his word, he could have a few selection problems for the second leg.

Liverpool and Fulham did not appear to be too affected by their epic bus journeys, gaining respectable results in Madrid and Hamburg. Although, if you believe the paper talk, the next journey the Liverpool coach will be making is to .

I missed the Barca match in favour of attending with fellow-blogger Derek 'Robbo' Robson. I can confirm his account of me inexplicably dropping two full pints and also the fact that he really does moan as much in real life.

Still, given that the ball was in the air so much it came down with volcanic ash on it, I can't blame him.

In the Premier League, Blackburn midfielder , reminiscent of the famous , while Bolton's Gary Cahill has been quite literally taking a ribbing from his team-mates.

The defender had a rib removed to help him recover from a blood clot and ever since, his loving colleagues have been buying Chinese meals and sending him pictures of spare ribs from their phones. Although it's when he starts receiving snaps of prawn balls that he really needs to worry.

And finally, let's hear it for the Metropolitan Police football team, who I've just discovered run on to that classic Clash number I Fought The Law (And The Law Won). Marvellous.

Right, that's it - have a good weekend one and all - I'll be spending it looking after small children while the other half is away ...could be a long two days.