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In another startling revelation, Millwall number two Joe Gallen revealed: "Me and Morrissey have been best mates for years and he's always emailing me to see what's going on at the club. He's obsessed with Millwall and its culture." Extraordinary.

Gallen added: "He kept badgering me to ask if he could play 10 minutes in our pre-season friendly against Shelbourne but we couldn't do it. He hasn't been to see a game at the Den yet but he says he is going to try and get over for the Leeds match."

A quick glance at the Millwall messageboards suggested it might take a while for the natives to adopt Mozza as one of their own, with many pointing out that he had previously been , while Ringo the Lion moaned: "We'll have 'Meat is Murder' on our shirts by the end of the season." Fans of Millwall's deadly rivals Crystal Palace were also quick to put the boot in, with one punter observing "No wonder he's such a miserable sod."

I once had a celebrity slash next to Morrissey in , where he was being interviewed by a music journalist. Having got wind that the reporter was stitching him up, I thought it my duty to inform the great man. He fixed me with a look of disdain and snorted: "In your dreams". It's a moment I'll treasure forever.

Anyway, I digress. It was a busy week of international football, with mixed fortunes for the home nations. Wales skipper - and that was after his side had WON. The Liechtenstein game was the injury-prone striker's first start for more than a year, with Bellamy revealing he had prepared for it by Sorry, altitude.

England fans were singing the boos after Ashley Cole's blunder at Wembley - of course it had nothing to do with the error itself, more the greedy revelations in his and the alleged dalliance with that hairdresser (shame she didn't stick around to sort out Rooney's barnet).

But the schoolboy error did at least mean the Sunday Mirror got to use their headline: 'Cole Make Huge Mistake For The Glorious Benefit Of Kazakhstan!'

England coach Fabio Capello was quick to defend Cole but didn't help his cause by .

Before the match, crocked skipper John Terry ordered the younger members of the team "to play their normal game like they are back in the playground." For the first half it seemed as though everyone had taken him at his word and I half expected the second period to get under way with rush-goalies and jumpers for goalposts.

Talking of which, referee Scott Mathieson was faced with an unusual problem ahead of the Rotherham-Leeds Johnstone's Paint Trophy tie after discovering . Mathieson duly got his tape measure out and the groundstaff were forced to prop them up using blocks of wood.

Rotherham eventually ran out out 4-2 winners and Leeds boss Gary McCallister somehow resisted the urge to say: "We're going to have to raise the bar if we want to beat Brighton on Saturday."

A raft of new nicknames entered football's hall of fame to sit alongside the likes of 'One Size' (Fitz Hall) and 'Chris' (Musampa). It was revealed Arsenal skipper - the French equivalent of Mr Bean - in his apprentice days at Caen, while Morrissey's new favourite team have dubbed their latest signing Gifton Noel-Edmonds.

Meanwhile, that another well-known player was now referred to as 'Mr T' - the A-Team character who was scared of flying - after screaming like a baby during a turbulent flight back from the 2006 World Cup.

"There was someone screeching in terror towards the back of the plane," revealed Carragher. "Even my two-year-old had never made such a noise.'Whose child is that?' I asked (my wife) Nicola. When I looked myself, I noticed it wasn't an infant. Head in his hand, ducked into the saftey position, was an inconsolable England and Manchester United superstar. It was Wayne Rooney."

During an interview about his book in The Sunday Times, Carragher was asked about a rumour going around that he'd had elocution lessons. The player quickly replied: "Elocution? @!*$ off." That's answered that, then.

One thing Carra can't deny is the launch of a new Liverpool aftershave called (wait for it) 'L4Men'. One fan said: "If the aftershave gets you girls like Alex Curran, I'll be buying a bottle." Yep, that's sold it to me. Presumably the Reds will now be known as the and the words of their famous chant changed to 'You'll Never Walk-Cologne'. I'll get me coat.

Finally, it would be churlish to toddle off without mentioning (sorry, Dad). For reasons beyond my control I'm not able to link directly to it, but suffice to say if you enter the words Iwelumo, Scotland and Norway into a well-known video site, you will witness the biggest howler since Rooney set foot on that plane.