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But what exactly are the common threads which draw people to buy these songs? Supposing The ChartBlog was a hot new band, with a great sound. What would we need to do in order to maximise our chart-topping potential?

To find out, we examined all of the No.1 singles since the beginning of 2006 - 29 in all - and conducted many fiendish experiments in order to distill the very essense of HIT. Or, if you're more of a maths person, to find the lowest common denominator. And BOY are some of these denominators common!

Here's the full list:
Arctic Monkeys - 'When The Sun Goes Down'
Notorious BIG featuring Diddy, Nelly, Jagged Edge & Avery Storm - 'Nasty Girl'
Meck featuring Leo Sayer - 'Thunder In My Heart Again'
Madonna - 'Sorry'
Orson - 'No Tomorrow'
Chico - 'It's Chico Time'
Ne-Yo - 'So Sick'
Gnarls Barkley - 'Crazy'
Sandi Thom - 'I Wish I Was A Punk Rocker (With Flowers In My Hair)'
Nelly Furtado - 'Maneater'
Shakira featuring Wyclef Jean - 'Hips Don't Lie'
Lily Allen - 'Smile'
McFly - 'Don't Stop Me Now' / 'Please Please'
Beyonce ft. Jay-Z - 'Deja Vu'
Justin Timberlake - 'Sexyback'
Scissor Sisters - 'I Don't Feel Like Dancin'
Razorlight - 'America'
My Chemical Romance - 'Welcome To The Black Parade'
McFly - 'Star Girl'
Fedde Le Grande - 'Put Your Hands Up For Detroit'
Westlife - 'The Rose'
Akon ft. Eminem - 'Smack That'
Take That - 'Patience'
Leona Lewis - 'A Moment Like This'
Mika - 'Grace Kelly'
Kaiser Chiefs - 'Ruby'
Take That - 'Shine'
Sugababes vs Girls Aloud - 'Walk This Way'
The Proclaimers ft. Brian Potter & Andy Pipkin - '(I'm Gonna Be) 500 Miles'

And here's how we interpreted the data.

First we examined the names of all the acts, to see whether there's a common thread there. This was not our best experiment. When it comes to filing songs alphabetically by artist, there's really only one letter which stands out - M - and even then, not by much.

M acts - 6 hits out of 29 (McFly twice)
A acts - 3/29 (we've counted Lily Allen, cos of her surname. That's proper filing)
T acts - 3/29 (which means Take That count twice, and Justin Timberlake)
N acts - 2/29 (not counting Nelly Furtado, obv)

So, you're a little bit more likely to have a hit if your act begins with an M. Maybe even two hits, if you follow up that M with a 'cFly'. And one of their hits is a double A-side, which could bump it up even further to THREE hits, if you're being super-extra librarian-y about it.

So, having ruled out names as a key factor, we looked at the kind of acts who are actually having the hits. This was a much more fertile line of inquiry...

Bands: 13/29 (Take That & McFly twice, Sugababes/Girls Aloud count as one)
Solo: 16/29
Guest Appearances: 9/29 (including Sugababes/Girls Aloud)

Which means solo artists RULE THE CHARTS, but they OFTEN NEED TO BRING A FRIEND. What's interesting is that it doesn't seem to matter what gender you are...

Solo Girls: 7/29
Solo Boys: 8/29

CONCLUSION: The ChartBlog are already over. Lead singer Fraser M has re-branded himself as M Fraser (just in case!), and his first release is a three-way duet (or trio, if you're going to be all music professor about it) with Marilyn Manson and Madonna.

But what of the song itself? What key factors will guarantee No.1 status? Well, here are a few hit topics for songs which the ChartBlog production team (the former members of the band who aren't Fraser M. They're better looking, and more talented, but he's got that charisma thing going on, what can you do?) will need to bear in mind...

Good Topics For A Hit Song:

Bodyparts: 'Sexyback', 'Put Your Hands Up For Detroit', 'I Wish I Was A Punk Rocker (With Flowers In My Hair)', 'Hips Don't Lie', 'Thunder in My Heart'

Time: 'Deja Vu', 'It's Chico Time', 'Don't Stop Me Now', 'A Moment Like This', 'No Tomorrow', 'When The Sun Goes Down'

The Weather: 'When The Sun Goes Down', 'Thunder In My Heart'

Medical Matters: 'So Sick', 'Crazy', 'Thunder in My Heart', 'Sexyback', 'Smack That'

Girls: 'Nasty Girl', 'Star Girl', 'Maneater', 'Ruby', 'Grace Kelly', 'Patience'

Emotions: 'Patience', 'Grace Kelly', 'Smile', 'Crazy', 'Sorry'

Geography: 'America', 'Put Your Hands Up For Detroit'

The Big Hurrah!: 'It's Chico Time', 'Welcome To The Black Parade', 'A Moment Like This', 'Put Your Hands Up For Detroit', 'Smile'

The Big Boo!: 'No Tomorrow', 'Crazy', 'I Don't Feel Like Dancin', 'Sorry', 'Thunder In My Heart', 'Please Please', 'Maneater', 'So Sick', 'Nasty Girl'

Illogical: 'Hips Don't Lie', 'I Wish I Was A Punk Rocker (With Flowers In My Hair)'

CONCLUSION: Bad news is by far the most common topic for songs, often garnished with medical issues, or some reference to time or the weather. Talking about girls, or using a girl's name, is also very clever. And if you can't manage any of that, just make up something which makes no sense whatsoever, that'll always grab the attention of all the smart-arses who work in the media
(hello mum!).

So, after a lot of hard work, Team ChartBlog came up with some BRILLIANT song ideas:

BRILLIANT SONG IDEA THE FIRST: 'Raining-At-91Èȱ¬time Girls'
BSI THE SECOND: 'She's Got Venomous Knees (It's A Black Summer)'
BSI THE THIRD: 'Katy's Hatey Heart Spoils My Sunny Day'

But, having faxed lyrics back and forth between ChartBlog central office, and Marilyn and Madge's people, one clear winner emerged.

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the biggest hit single of 2007....

'I've Waited All My Rainy Life For A Happy Day To Land On Tina's Face In Swindon. Yay!'

Look, we've even got packshots!

And THAT, dear viewers, is POP SCIENCE IN ACTION.