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Summer in the UK often means an outpouring of rainbows in towns and cities as various Pride events take place. It’s a spectacle of celebration, creativity and, perhaps most of all, love - its ability to shine through with the LGBTQ+ community at its heart.

That’s not the case in every country in the world. In a 91�ȱ� One documentary, Tom Daley: Illegal to be Me, Olympic gold medal winning diver Tom Daley - himself an out gay man - investigated some of the countries around the Commonwealth where being LGBTQ+ remains illegal.

These include more than half of the countries competing at the 2022 Commonwealth Games in Birmingham: places where someone’s sexuality could land them prison time, or even a death sentence. Athletes who are usually on camera as national heroes are compelled to speak to Tom in absolute secrecy, for fear of the truth about who they love jeopardising both their career and their safety.

Places where being LGBTQ+ is against the law

It isn’t illegal to be LGBTQ+ in the UK anymore, although it has only been in the past 50 years or so that some laws which would be considered homophobic today were repealed.

In other parts of the world, such laws still exist. As Tom states in the documentary: “I would be illegal to exist in 35 of the 56 sovereign states of the Commonwealth… That’s just outrageous.”

Tom was able to use his platform to make a statement at the opening ceremony of the 2022 Commonwealth Games. As part of the Queen’s Baton Relay, he entered the Alexander Stadium with six LGBTQ+ athletes and advocates from around the Commonwealth, each of whom displayed the Progress Pride flag.

One of them was Moud Goba, who said: “If I had seen this moment as a young lesbian growing up in Zimbabwe, it would have meant everything for me. It would have meant I am not alone.”

The journey also reminds Tom of the struggles he faced as a teenager who knew he was gay and his struggles to come to terms with himself. As he says in the programme: “I used to hate everything about myself. The way I talked, the way I walked, and I tried to over-achieve in everything - whether that was school, whether that was diving.”

At 19, he publicly announced he was in a relationship with a man, which led to personal attacks on social media. His mum, Debbie, also remembers how Tom was visibly shaking with worry before telling his maternal grandparents about his relationship.

If you’re a parent who can relate to this situation, you may be wondering how to offer loving support to your child if they begin the process of coming out to you.

How to support a child when they come out

Paul Johnson is a team manager at the Aberdeen branch of the charity Childline. He told Parents’ Toolkit that coming out remains the biggest concern for LGBTQ+ young people who contact them, saying that they worry about how others will react, or if they will be taken seriously. But he says that there are steps parents and families can take to support young people who are going through this process.

“Our advice to parents is, if their child is coming to talk to them about their sexual identity, most importantly - listen to how they feel. It can take a lot of courage for a young person to tell family, or even their friends, of how they feel about their sexuality. Listening can be a great way to show them that you care, or that they feel supported.”

Paul also highlights the importance of encouraging conversation. “Create the right environment to have that chat, somewhere where you both feel safe and comfortable, and talk. Give them time to say what they have heard and how they feel about it before jumping in with opinions and advice.”

He also suggests letting your child talk at their own pace. He advised you not to interrupt, and to ask open questions and let them lead the discussion. If they want to stop talking about it, then return to the conversation a few days later, make sure they know that’s okay - it’s a big, personal subject that they’re talking about. It can also be a stressful time, so there may be ways a parent can help with this too.

“You could ask your child about how comfortable they feel coming out to other people as well,” Paul added. “What can you do to support that? They may want you to tell other members of the family as well.”

If other members of the family react negatively to a child coming out, Paul says it’s important to remember that “your child is still your child” and to encourage other family members to learn about LGBTQ+ experiences and to talk about them as well.

For help using the right language around LGBTQ+ when speaking to your child, check out our A to Z for parents.

How to deal with anti-LGBTQ+ bullying

Re-reading some of the comments he received on social media after announcing his same-sex relationship in 2013, Tom says in the documentary…

“It’s upsetting to think there are people out there that have that strong an opinion that they felt they had to publicly say something that was really attacking a 19-year-old kid about their sexuality."

Sadly, bullying remains a reality for young LGBTQ+ people, or even someone who is simply perceived to be part of the community.

Paul said: “It’s important to know that in the UK, if you are being bullied because of your gender or sexual identity, it is considered a hate crime. You are protected by law. As a parent, if you find out your child is being bullied, you can experience a huge range of emotions.”

As well as bullying which happens in person, cyber-bullying (directed to someone digitally, such as hurtful messages via their social media accounts) is also an issue Childline is hearing more about. Paul suggests making sure children know they can turn to their parents for help in these situations, or to turn to another trusted adult, such as a teacher, youth worker or sports coach, for example.

Distraction tactics can also help in these situations. Paul suggests arranging activities that can take your child’s mind off the bullying. If it’s cyber-related, then anything which takes your child offline for a while can be helpful.

It’s important to talk to schools as well about their anti-bullying policy, you can ask to see their documents on this and to enquire about their complaints procedure if you feel the situation has reached stage where you deem it necessary to complain.

Support services for young LGBTQ+ people

While people up to the age of 19 can contact Childline with any issues, including bullying, Paul recommends that parents call the NSPCC helpline instead for further information. Bitesize also has this guide on dealing with cyber-bullying.

Paul adds that young people who have moved to the UK often contact Childline, as well as those who have lived here their whole lives and come from families whose faith is not one where being LGBTQ+ is accepted.

“It builds increasing challenges and barriers for the child in being comfortable about coming out. That’s why our counsellors are here for them, creating a safe space where they can talk about who they are. They’re not going to be judged and it isn’t going to be shared with anyone.”

It isn’t always a negative experience, however. Paul said: “We do know about children who have built up the confidence to come out to their family, and it’s resulted in a positive experience, even after expecting a worst-case scenario.”

Tom Daley: Illegal to Be Me was broadcast on 91�ȱ� One on Tuesday 9 August 2022.

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